Published August 21, 2006
Mike Straka. That's my name, don't wear it out.
Sure, it fits nicely in the byline and it's easy to say "Mike Straka, FOX News" at the end of a piece, as opposed to say, Ernest or Theodore, but it's such a plain name isn't it?
Mike. Blah. Says nothing.
I had an uncle in Chilé named Zorro-Babél. Now that is a cool name. But man, I better be a famous actor, musician or legendary swordsman who wears a mask robbing from the rich and giving to the poor if I'm growing up in this country with a name like Zorro-Babél Straka.
Which brings me to the point of this Grrr! column.
Every year at this time, when pre-season football starts, I marvel at the first names of some of these NFL players. These guys have such unique and cool names that it's a good thing they're superstar athletes.
Imagine having D'Brickashaw as your first name and not being a 6'-6," 312 pound defensive tackle for the New York Jets!
Or how about Ty Law. Another cool name. Ty. Just so happens, he's the 200-pound-multiple-Super-Bowl-ring-wearing cornerback who now plays for the Kansas City Chiefs. With a name like Ty Law, he's either that, or a kick-ass character in a video game.
Remember Lyle Alzado? He was a very big man who played defensive line for the Oakland Raiders. Lyle Alzado. It just comes trippingly off the tongue doesn't it? Somehow, I don't think you'll come across too many accountants named Lyle Alzado.
It just wouldn't fit.
One of my favorite names is Laveranues Coles, also from the Jets. Every time I hear a sportscaster like Joe Buck or Greg Gumbel mention the wide receiver's name I want to start singing "Shlameel-Shlamozel", and then I remember he could probably squash me like a bug.
Now, Lawrence Taylor could be a good name for an accountant. But we all know it looks better on the back of a number 56 jersey.
Howie Long is a better fit for a legendary football player than say, Howard Long. But come on, if Howie weren't 6-foot-5 and built like a brick wall, you might want to have fun with the name.
Yeah, good luck with that one. And since we're on retired players here, remember Hall of Famer Jack Youngblood? Come on, anybody with the last name Youngblood is destined to be great at something. It's such an awesome name.
Youngblood. You don't mess!
Here are a few more names you're likely to hear as you watch the NFL this season. Don't get me wrong, I'm not Grrring these names. I think they're fitting of superstars. I would just hate to have been Ty Law, M.D.
Then again, Trapper John would have also been a cool football name. Maybe I'll change my name to Trapper. "Trapper Straka, FOX News."
More cool football names:
Tiki Barber — host of FOX & Friends' "Tiki Tuesdays" and NewYork Giants running back.
Ronde Barber — Tiki's brother and Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback.
Sam Adams — If not a famous brewer, than defensive tackle for Cincy close enough.
Cooper Carlisle — Guard for Denver Broncos — alliteration works well.
Rock Cartwright — Running back, Washington Redskins — "The Rock Says."
Jean-Philippe Darche — NO, he's not a hairdresser. Try center for Seattle.
Koy Detmer — Imagine being the star quarterback named Koy. Slam Dunk with the ladies.
Na'il Diggs — Linebacker for the Panthers. Could be a famous singer. "I'm Ryan Seacrest, and topping the Billboard charts this week it's Na'il Diggs featuring Shakira with "Hell Yeah!"
Vontez Duff — new guy on the Giants. No pressure here.
Ciatrick Fason — Running back for the Vikings. Trick or treat... See Ya.
Get it.. Ciatrick? Okay. Maybe not.