I met Suri Cruise.
She's an adorable little baby. She has dark hair, and looks remarkably like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — her famous parents.
The whole time I was visiting her, she never left her parents' arms — except of course when I was holding her.
My recent visit puts me in a very close-knit and exclusive celebrity group. I mean, to be invited to the mansion and to get to lay eyes on this baby is to breathe rare Hollywood air, ranking me up there with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Leah Remini and Katie Holmes' parents.
And I'm not even a Scientologist!
I can barely contain my excitement. Of course, I was strip-searched before entering the premises, not because of any danger to Suri, but to ensure that I had no camera equipment on me. We all know pictures of Suri will be worth millions on the tabloid circuit — much needed money that will be used to send Suri to finishing school.
I surrendered my BlackBerry, my cell phone, my pager, my Bluetooth headset, my car keys, my Cruzer Mini storage stick and my voice recorder — and that was just one pocket. I still can't find my sunglasses.
Let me know if you see Tom Cruise sporting a cool pair of Maui Jims would you?
Yes, I'm kidding about meeting baby Suri. But I am sick of hearing about the various celebrities who say they have seen her.
Suri sightings are being treated like the second coming of the baby Jesus, for crying out loud. I know that pictures of Cruise-Holmes family have been elusive, but as special as I'm sure Suri is to her parents and extended family, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes haven't done anything that millions of others haven't done for thousands of years.
And what's even more Grrring: The people who are screaming for TomKat to have a public "showing" of their child are the same people who were screaming about how sick of TomKat they were when they were running around with their PDAs — Public Displays of Affection.
Now when Cruise finally does disappear from the public eye, they want him to come back with his whole family.
I'm sure once he releases the family portrait, it will be so over-exposed that you'll wish he would go away again.
So please stop with the Suri sightings.