Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned — especially a woman scorned in the sack.

Husband not living up to your … ahem … conjugal expectations? What better way to renew the spark than a 911 call and a bedroom full of embarrassed policeman?

A 44-year-old woman in Aachen, Germany, called the cops on her husband in the middle of the night, complaining that he was not satisfying his sexual obligations, Reuters reports.

After sleeping in separate beds for months without any action, the woman reportedly awoke and demanded that her husband … uhh … take care of business. When he refused, she called in the cavalry, so to speak.

Confused cops arrived on the scene, but said they couldn't resolve the dispute, much less issue a citation.

"Because no crime or infringement could be identified, all they could do was file a report in case intervention might be required at a later date," police spokesman Paul Kemen said.

Nothing Says 'Hardy Har Har' Like $9 Gas, Right?

These funny guys had better start running now before everyone in San Jose is finished having their collective sticker-shock-induced heart attack.

Dismayed drivers in San Jose had a brush with the end of the world as they know it when number-swapping pranksters had their way with a local gas station sign, The Mercury News reports.

Jokers swapped the numbers on the sadly standard $3.09 for a gallon sign to a traffic-stopping $9.03 at a Stop Corner gas station, no doubt igniting panic among local motorists.

"Someone just messed up our sign,'' said Verjit Singh, who was working inside the convenience store.

After a tip-off from a concerned customer, Singh righted the wrong — but not before scaring the daylights out of the weary wallets of passersby.

"That's a pretty scary price, huh?'' he said.

Glue + Naked Bottom + Toilet Seat = Potty Humor

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa (AP) — A Council Bluffs woman is recovering from burns — and from being embarrassed — after she became stuck on a toilet seat.

It happened yesterday in a public restroom at the Mall of the Bluffs.

Officials believe someone put a cement compound on the seat.

Firefighters freed her after several minutes after using fingernail polish remover. She was taken to the hospital and treated for burns.

Investigators are classifying the incident as an aggravated assault and criminal mischief.

The victim told KETV of Omaha, Neb., that it's one of the most embarrassing moments of her life and she hopes police find the culprit.

Thanks to Out There reader Jason C.

Because Girls Only Want Boyfriends Who Have Great Skills

DAVENPORT, Iowa (AP) — A man was charged after police say he threatened a detective with nunchuks.

McCory J. Slemmons, 26, of Davenport, was charged Wednesday with assault while displaying a dangerous weapon and public intoxication.

The detective was monitoring an area where officers were looking for a robbery suspect early Wednesday morning when Slemmons approached him and accused the detective of "looking at his wife," court documents said.

Slemmons then challenged the detective to a fight and pulled out nunchuks, police records show.

The detective arrested Slemmons, who later admitted during a police interview that had been drinking vodka and beer, records show.

Nunchuks are a weapon commonly used in martial arts. They consist of two hardwood sticks attached by a leather strap or chain.

Many Sincere Thanks for Returning My Pee-Soaked Letter

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) — As many as 200 pieces of soaked mail in Naples had to be hung out to dry.

Postal Service spokeswoman Debbie Mitchell says an employee found the mail soaked with what appears to have been urine.

Between 100 and 200 pieces of mail may have been affected.

The Lee County Health Department recommended that the mail be isolated and hung out to dry.

Starting today, employees will put the mail in sealed plastic bags and return them to the original senders in another envelope with a letter explaining the situation.

Mitchell says they don't know who did this, but she expects all the mail to be processed and sent back to the senders by the end of the week.

Errant Dog Gets a Serious Case of the Blue Suede Chews

LONDON (AP) — A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children's museum.

"He just went berserk," said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor. The bear, named Mabel, was made in 1909 by the German manufacturer Steiff.

The collection, valued at more than $900,000, included a red bear made by Farnell in 1910 and a Bobby Bruin made by Merrythought in 1936.

The bear with Elvis connections was owned by English aristocrat Benjamin Slade, who bought it at an Elvis memorabilia auction in Memphis, Tenn., and had loaned it to the museum.

"I've spoken to the bear's owner and he is not very pleased at all," Medley said.

A security guard at the museum, Greg West, said he spent several minutes chasing Barney before wrestling the dog to the ground.

Thanks to Out There readers Glenn W. and Scott F.

Compiled by FOXNews.com's Taylor Timmins.

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