One can only assume the dialogue between James Merket, fake cop extraordinaire, and Cpl. Clayton Willis, actual cop extraordinaire, went something like this:

Merket: “Hey there, officer, I’ll need your license and registration please … psyche!”

Willis: “I’ll need to borrow your handcuffs now, doofus.”

It seems that Merket, who may have watched one too many episodes of "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol" in his time, was driving a car with police gear and emergency lights when he pulled over an off-duty sheriff’s deputy for speeding, reports.

Cops say the un-uniformed Merket identified himself as a state policeman and asked Cpl. Willis if he was in a hurry.

But Willis wasn’t buying it.

After a quick conversation, he followed Merket back to his car, at which point the bogus bobby changed his tune.

"He stated, 'Hey, I lied to you. I'm not a police officer,'" Willis said. "So, I grabbed his wrist, escorted him out of the vehicle and put his hands on his roof. I then took his weapon from him and proceeded to handcuff him with his cuffs, ironically enough."

Merket faces charges of unlawful use of a police radio and impersonating a public servant.

Thanks to Out There readers Steve N. and Katie.

Yo Quiero Taco Bell ... Your Taco Bell

WESTLAKE, Ohio (AP) — This guy always makes a run for the border when he gets his dinner to go.

A Mexican-food-munching bandit has made off with the drive-through dinners of unsuspecting customers at a Westlake Taco Bell three times in the last month, reports.

Cops say the taco thief runs between the drive-through window and the patron’s car, grabbing the undoubtedly surprised driver’s bag of food.

The sneaky sack-snatcher, described as a tall white guy wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey, then high-tails it across the street into a neighboring subdivision.

Bert and Ernie Packing Heat on Sesame Street

BROCKTON, Mass. (AP) — Brockton High School has banned T-shirts with Sesame Street characters. But these are no regular pictures of Bert and Ernies.

On some, Oscar the Grouch emerges from his garbage can, wielding a 9 mm handgun. On others, Bert and Ernie are standing in a gang posture, armed with automatic weapons.

"We were amazed," said the school's principal, Susan Szachowicz. "You focus on the Sesame Street character. But the more we looked at it, the more we saw the things in it, the guns, the gang stuff."

There have only been a few shirts at school, but officials said students are being told to stop wearing them because of the pro-gang message. School officials also said they violate the school dress policy.

Last week, Brockton was awarded $685,000 in state anti-gang funding.

Thanks to Out There reader Rob E.

Out There Update: Still a Royal Pain

NEW YORK (New York Post) — She was only practice-shopping.

That's the excuse admitted American Express deadbeat and Saudi princess-impersonator Antoinette Millard hopes will keep her out of jail.

Millard, 42, was supposed to stay in a nuthouse and out of the malls after admitting last year that she'd gone up and down Madison Avenue pretending to be "Princess Antoinette" and racking up $951,000 in unpaid credit card bills.

But she got caught charging and splurging on jewelry yet again — while pretending to be a doctor, a lawyer and a princess — during furloughs from a Jacksonville, Fla., psychiatric facility, Manhattan prosecutors charge. Yesterday, Millard was in Manhattan Supreme Court to argue that she did nothing wrong — and that any shopping she did was supervised and part of her therapy.

She was simply learning how to shop responsibly, said her lawyer, John Arlia.

"If her specialists say this is what she needs to get reacclimated to the outside world, who are we to say that's wrong?" Arlia said after court.

Lovely Rita Meter Maid, My Behind!

NEW YORK (AP) — A city traffic agent has been charged with writing dozens of fraudulent parking tickets — sometimes while sitting in her car miles away from the bogus violations she cited, prosecutors said.

Nivea Cloud was accused of writing 27 tickets in three hours in seven locations on May 12, inventing infractions just one to four minutes apart in the same place, Queens District Attorney Richard Brown said.

She was seen sitting in her police car, parked in a handicapped spot, more than a mile away from where the vehicles cited on her tickets supposedly were illegally parked, Brown said.

"As a municipal worker entrusted with such enormous financial powers over motorists and a duty and responsibility to uphold the law, the defendant's alleged conduct is outrageous," Brown said in a news release announcing the charges.

Cloud, 30, was arraigned Tuesday on charges including official misconduct and falsifying business records. She could face up to four years in prison if convicted.

A telephone message left for Cloud's lawyer was not returned Tuesday.

By 'High Spirits' They Mean 'Mucho Booze-o'

VILNIUS, Lithuania (AP) — Lithuanian police were so astonished when they pulled over a truck driver and his breathalyzer test registered 18 times the legal alcohol limit, they thought their testing device must be broken.

It wasn't.

Police said Tuesday 41-year-old Vidmantas Sungaila registered 727 milligrams of alcohol per 100 milliliters of blood repeatedly on different devices when he was pulled over for driving his truck down the center of a two-lane highway 60 miles from the capital, Vilnius on Saturday.

Lithuania's legal limit is 40 milligrams of alcohol in 100 milliliters of blood.

"This guy should have been lying dead, but he was still driving. It must be an unofficial national record," Saulius Skvernelis, the director of the national police traffic control service, told the AP. "He was of high spirits and grinning the whole time he was questioned."

Medical experts say anything above 3.5 grams per liter of alcohol in the blood is lethal for most people.

"A person this intoxicated should be in an intensive care unit, not behind the wheel," said Tautvydas Zikaras, head of the dependence illness center in the country's second-largest city, Kaunas. Zikaras said he had never heard or read of someone being so drunk.

Sungaila, who was slapped with a 3,000 litas ($1,110) fine and the loss of his license for up to three years, told police he had been drinking the night before and tried to freshen up by downing a pint of beer for breakfast.

Thanks to Out There readers M. Wright, Shannon O., Nick S., Rob E. and Keith S.

Compiled by's Taylor Timmins.

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