Published March 27, 2006
For Grrr's sake, no. Not interested. Go away.
Walking through a mall these days — whether it's an indoor mall or one of those outdoor factory outlet extravaganzas — is like playing a game of "Space Invaders." There you are, dodging alien bullets and blasting them out of the sky with your laser beams.
Unfortunately, it's not so easy to ward off these invaders.
From the slicked-back "Sopranos" wannabes who try to get your wife or fiancé to remove their diamond engagement ring to see just how sparkly their spanking new cleaning solution works on one of her most prized possessions — to the lady wanting to rub hand lotion on you as you balance the shopping bags and the stroller, mall hucksters are even more annoying than telemarketers.
And that's no easy task.
What's next, a national "do not sell me" button to wear on your lapel to get these folks to leave you alone?
Sure, you're going to buy hand lotion from a lady whose own hands feel like sandpaper as she rubs her wares all over your skin. I bet you are.
It's kind of like the cologne and perfume hucksters that are strategically located at the mall entrance of every department store.
"Would you like to try Obsession for Men?"
It sounds more like a statement, but the raised eyebrows of the staffers indicate that if you're indeed interested, just stop where you are.
Shoppers do their best not to make eye contact with these folks, because as a whole, shoppers are weak at heart. We'll go ahead and sample the cologne if we make eye contact.
It's a non-Oblivion trait to give others the benefit of the doubt.
The staffer then sprays their scent of the day on a sample card, waves it like a wand in the air and then sticks it under your nose.
But here's the kicker: By the time you sniff the sample, your nostrils are fried. Walking through the fragrance department is like sniffing hydrochloric acid. Your nose is bleeding by the time you hit any clothing section.
I tried using that excuse once as some nice young lady strategically stepped in front of me and urged me with her pretty blue eyes to try the latest scent. Yeah, I'm a sucker for a cutie.
She immediately whipped out a little glass container filled with coffee beans and stuck one in my face.
"Sniff this, it will clear your nostrils," she said.
She was good, but in the end, I managed to escape with my credit card firmly in my wallet, knowing that my Old Spice or Paul Sebastian (both colognes I can get at a drug store) were safe for another few weeks.
Besides, I like smelling like a man.
There's something a little girly about the "metrosexual" phenomenon. Sure, I would like to have a face as soft as a baby's behind, but I don't have 45 minutes every morning to apply just the right concoction of pre-wash moisturizer followed by an oatmeal scrub and then a daily pick-me-up mud mask — all before applying a $45 shaving cream named after the history of aerospace, running a $4 dollar triple action blade into my $250 nickel-plated "shaving utensil" (but I know guys, the added weight really helps, keep telling yourself that) and then another moisturizing aftershave — all in all a morning routine that I need to put as a line item into my monthly budget.
And to think, we were only walking through the mall to get to "Shaggy Dog," which the Grrr! family thoroughly enjoyed, and highly recommends for good, clean family fun.
VIDEO: Watch Mike's "Real Deal" Web cast.