Unapologetic Purple Nurple Sends Kid to the Clink

Here’s to keeping the bad boys off the mean streets.

An Oregon teen is going to the (little) big house for four days — for giving another boy an unapologetic purple nurple.

The nefarious nipple twist occurred while the former friends were standing in line at a deli. After the victim’s parents went to the police, the nipple flipper was convicted of offensive physical touching, fined $67 and sentenced to three days of community service, the Associated Press reports.

"I emptied trash cans, mowed lawns and shoveled gravel," the teen said.

But that wasn’t quite enough to absolve the predatory pincher.

For his final act of repentance, Mediation Works, a company that operates the local victim-offender program, required the nurpler to write a letter to his victim describing the act in detail and any resulting life changes, expounding on his “thinking errors,” taking accountability for the offense and detailing his “criminal thought processes.”

But like most doers of dastardly deeds, the nurpler balked, saying that he didn’t have any criminal thought processes and considered the act to be horseplay.

The Adventures of Tweedle Dummy and Tweedle Dumber

This guy's no dummy ... or is he?

In a rare fit of traffic-court-related humor, a Colorado judge ordered a creative HOV bandit — and his dummy — to take their bit on tour ... sort of.

The Denver Post reports that Municipal Court Judge John Stipech made an unusual example out of clever commuter Greg Pringle, ordering him and his homemade traffic dummy to strut their collective stuff on the side of the road holding a sign that says ... drum roll please ... "The HOV Lane Is Not For Dummies."

One can almost hear the hardy-har-hars echoing across the Rockies.

This storied affair of man and dummy began when Pringle became disillusioned with the parade of solo drivers whizzing past him in the HOV lane, which is reserved for buses, motorcycles and cars with two or more people on board, while he sat sans-passenger in traffic.

So he made himself a friend.

Pringle assembled a dummy named Tillie to sit with him in the passenger seat so he, too, could race ninja-like through the HOV lane with reckless abandon.

Sadly, his plan failed to stay under the radar.

Officer Mark Watters caught the ill-fated dude and dummy duo in action and cited Pringle for driving an unauthorized vehicle in a high-occupancy lane. Tillie was taken as evidence.

Pringle says he's sold about $100 worth of "Free Tillie" shirts, but, since the judge barred him from benefiting financially from any publicity he gets for his antics, he plans to donate all the proceeds to help fund an alcohol-awareness program for teens.

Giant-Phone-a-Phobes Are Writing Their Congressmen

LAS VEGAS (AP) — A Nevada lawyer who calls himself "The Heavy Hitter" in television ads is going to bat — for himself.

Personal injury lawyer Glen Lerner said he will sue in federal court to protect his right to free speech after he ran afoul of the State Bar of Nevada.

"The bar told me by calling myself 'The Heavy Hitter,' it was false and misleading because it was stating I'm the only heavy hitter," Lerner said. "It's beyond ridiculous."

Lerner, who advertises heavily on television in the Las Vegas area, said he has butted heads with the bar over several commercials, including one in which a giant phone falls on an unsuspecting litigant.

"They said it created anxiety," Lerner said. "Does the average person really believe a giant phone is going to land on them?"

Other Lerner ads show him spinning like a human tornado, generating cash for his clients, and cutting checks for his clients as an announcer screams, "Goal!"

State Bar attorney Rob Bare said about two-thirds of the 1,200 complaints the bar gets about lawyer ads per year come from other lawyers. Bill Turner, chairman of a committee formed by the Nevada Supreme Court to examine lawyer advertising, called it difficult to weigh protecting the public with the right to free speech.

"It's a balance," Turner said. "There are the rights of a business person, and there are the rights of the public."

I'm Not Dead Yet!

CLEVELAND (AP) — Myron Manders is very much alive.

But the 81-year-old man from the Cleveland area is having trouble convincing Social Security.

After Manders was hospitalized in November, he learned his insurance wouldn't pay the bill because the government said he had died two months earlier.

Then, Manders' bank told him three Social Security checks deposited in his account were no good.

He went to the Social Security office in Cleveland and made several phone calls before the checks were replaced and his medical insurance was reinstated.

But this week, Manders' wife got a letter saying she was eligible for Social Security widow's benefits.

Yesterday, a Social Security spokesman apologized and promised the problem has been corrected.

If I Say 'This Column Is a Pipe Bomb,' Will Work Shut Down?

ATHENS, Ohio (AP) — A sticker on a bicycle that said "this bike is a pipe bomb" caused a scare Thursday at Ohio University that shut down four buildings before authorities learned the message was the name of a punk rock band, a university spokesman said.

The sticker on the bike chained outside the university-owned Oasis restaurant near the center of campus attracted the attention of a police officer about 5:30 a.m., spokesman Jack Jeffery said.

Police blocked streets around the restaurant and the Columbus police bomb squad came from about 65 miles away.

The bomb experts hit the bike with a high-pressure spray of water, then pried it apart with a hydraulic device normally used to rescue accident victims trapped in cars, acting Athens Fire Chief Ken Gilbraith said.

Once they had it open, they saw there was no bomb.

The buildings, including some classroom facilities, were reopened after a couple hours.

Dean of Students Terry Hogan urged students to be more careful when showing support for the band from Pensacola, Fla. University police interviewed the bike's owner then released him, Jeffery said. Police are still investigating.

An e-mail seeking comment was sent to Plan-It-X Records, listed on a Web site for the band as its record label. The label does not have a published phone number.

Thanks to Out There readers Kelly M. and Julie D.

Compiled by FOXNews.com's Taylor Timmins.

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