This time of the year is chock-full of resolutions.
People are hitting the gyms in droves to shed off the pounds they packed on during the holidays, or they're vowing to finally quit smoking. Whatever your resolution is, good luck in achieving your goals.
However, there is an underground contingent making resolutions that will affect you day-to-day in 2006 ... the Oblivion Resolutions.
The Grrr! Column has uncovered some of these that were floating around in secret Web sites devoted to Oblivions and Obliviots. We have reprinted them here not only for your own edification, but to caution you to avoid any of the people you see who are practicing the below.
Word of Warning: Do not attempt to approach said Oblivions. For your own sanity.
The Oblivions' 2006 Resolutions
"I resolve to be even more clueless to everybody around me."
"I resolve to take up two parking spots every time I park my car at the grocery store."
"I resolve to call my colleague two cubicles down, via speaker phone, daily."
"I resolve to eat the foulest smelling lunches in the office, like Indian or Chinese food, at least twice a week."
"I resolve to hit the gym and wander around aimlessly for at least one hour every day."
"I resolve to wear more cologne or perfume specifically for the crammed elevator ride every day at the office building."
"I resolve to drag my feet when I walk because I like the sound."
"I resolve to change my cell phone ringtones at least once a week, sampling new tunes during my bus and train commute to work. Everybody will be impressed with my many choices."
"I resolve to slurp my hot coffee because I like the sound."
"I resolve to spit my gum on the sidewalk. After all, it creates jobs for sanitation workers."
"I resolve to find a pet cause, like protesting the color of the sky because it's offensive as blue."
"I resolve to find offense in nearly everything public ... except sexy lingerie ads and the right to burn the American flag."
"I resolve to finally get that 2000 megawatt bass speaker for my Honda Civic that forces me to ride around with the hatch open. But boy, what a sound. Thump Thump Thump Thump."
"I resolve to finally get those huge (and loud) exhaust pipes for my Harley and gun the engine around my neighborhood ... especially when the neighbors are putting their young children down for naps."
"I resolve read Neil Strauss' new book "The Game" about pick-up artists and then go out to bars to "Style-Mog" and to "Neg" women."
"I resolve to eat more popcorn at the movies, and shake the bag right behind the head of the person seated in front of me."
"I resolve to keep my Christmas lights up at least until St. Patrick's Day."
"I resolve to read tabloid celebrity-crazed magazines and believe everything I read: Like "Angelina Jolie pregnant with Brad Pitt's child (Life&Style)."
"I resolve to complain about people saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas."
"I resolve to board every elevator I encounter before anyone on them actually gets off."
"I resolve to avoid all of the annoying people out there. Especially the ones who constantly beep at me on the road. Why do they always beep their horns at me? They're so annoying."
"I resolve to be a better person, and to recruit everybody around me to be a better person by lecturing them on how much better of a person I am by practicing being a better person in my way."
There you go, folks. Just beware of these people hell-bent on keeping these resolutions, and remember that Oblivions don't ever know they are Oblivions. Just try to ignore them.
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