"I kick zombie a--," he says.
But that's nice and gentle compared with the butt-whupping that this Queens, N.Y.-bred actor and performance artist has in store for some of Hollywood's biggest names, if he ever finishes his latest autobiographical one-man show.
Though many know him for mainstream movies like "Moulin Rouge," (search) Leguizamo is best known in New York for his hilarious and frenetic one-man stage extravaganzas, including the Broadway hits "Sexaholix: A Love Story" (search) and "Freak," which was nominated for a Tony and made into an HBO film by director Spike Lee.
And for the past couple of years, he has been hard at work on a new stage show that might just blow the top off of show business.
"It's about pimps, playas, hookers, backstabbers and all my other Hollywood friends," Leguizamo tells The Post with a laugh.
"I think my career is going to be over as soon as that thing comes out. I might as well blacklist myself now."
Indeed, when Leguizamo tried out an early draft of the show before a Chicago audience last year, many theatergoers seemed shocked at his name-naming Hollywood expos.
"He was talking a lot about Arnold Schwarzenegger and how he gropes everybody," recalls Chicago Tribune critic Chris Jones.
Leguizamo ripped into former co-stars such as Patrick Swayze, Penelope Ann Miller, Kurt Russell -- and especially Sean Penn, with whom he worked in 1993's "Carlito's Way."
"He was ripping Penn apart," Jones says. "I guess they had gotten in a fight off-camera."
Asked about the Chicago performance more than a year later, Leguizamo is quick to point out that it was a work in progress.
"I'm trying to tone it down. I don't like b---hing and griping," he says, adding that he's wary of even mentioning the title.
"I have to be tightlipped about it -- at least until my lawyer goes through it. He'll be my co-editor."
Leguizamo has never been shy about airing dirty laundry. His stage shows mine the edgy humor of a hardscrabble childhood growing up in Jackson Heights, saving special vitriol for Leguizamo's Puerto Rican dad, Alberto -- who "puts the 'funk' in 'dysfunctional,'" as the actor says in one show.
"I've pissed off everybody in my family, but luckily they can be bought," Leguizamo jokes. "Two years ago, I bought my mom a brownstone in the East Village, so she's happy now. She has stopped talking about disowning me."
What about his dad?
"I'm still working on that one."
Leguizamo, who was born in Bogota, Columbia, has always had a punk edge, and he has the street cred to back it up, with a police record that shows three arrests before he was even 16.
"It was all dumb, kid stuff," he points out.
One time he was caught jumping the subway turnstile. Another time he was charged with truancy after cutting school and trying to buy a ticket to an X-rated movie. ("I think it was 'Rambone,'" he says.)
Most memorably, Leguizamo got arrested at the age of 15, when he and a pal commandeered the subway conductor's microphone on the IRT.
"I was rapping, I was like, 'La-dee, la-day. We like to par-tay.' Then we got arrested by the comedy police. I think if my material had been better, they probably would have let us go."