Who put the "pig" in "Pygmalion"?
Yes, just when you thought every "B" list blonde had already been-there-done-that with their own reality shows, out of the woodwork (or in this case, out of the wainscoting) comes another.
This time, VH1 gives the former supermodel (is there such a thing as a regular model anymore?) from Texas — who now apparently thinks she was to the manor born in England — her own "reality" show called, appropriately enough, "Kept." (search)
In the supposed hopes of finding one "hot young American," Hall takes on 12 American slobs whom she will train in etiquette and style. Or throw out with the trash — the trailer trash.
Why and what for? To put it crudely, she's supposedly looking for an American gigolo — a younger man to service her needs. Each week, HRH Queen Jerry will eliminate one lucky guy until she finds her one, true love-slave.
But before it gets down to that last unlucky fella, she gets to prance around like Mick on 'roids in her posh London pad (she got $50 million in her divorce from Jagger).
She postures and gestures and speaks in the most affected accent since Madonna morphed into a Jewish-English matron.
Hall, who must be the worst actress in the world, lapses into this nouveau riche, grande dame thing that is shocking to see. She keeps telling us that she wants a hot younger man to satisfy her needs. Oooo. Nasty.
She also has these girlfriends around her — mostly exes and present wives and girlfriends of The Rolling Stones — as well as a strict dominatrix of an "assistant" named Katie. They're all there as props, more or less.
Hall, meantime, makes BIG entrances in satin gowns and mink stoles (mink stoles!) like Norma Desmond, tossing her mane, saying things like, "Oh, he's a wondahfuhl photograhfah!"
The 12 "hot American guys" on the other hand, say things like, "It's goodbye to the smell of a-- and hello to class." Yes, this is class all the way.
Another one calls Jerry and her girlfriends "broads," but when he's told that's impolite, he amends it to "old ladies."
In episode one, we meet the guys who are invited to dinner at her house, where they eat like animals, drink like fish and have the table manners of swine. This of course is the whole point — swine before pearls and all that.
The occasional balloons (a la "Blind Date") that pop up describing the action are pretty hilarious. They need many, many more balloons to keep us amused because HRH Hall ain't cutting it.
I admit that watching her act the part is so bad it's good.
"Kept" airs Sunday at 9 p.m. on VH1 (search).