Attention Future Brides and Bridegrooms

Heads up all you prospective brides and bridegrooms: Let this latest mess be a lesson to you.

Nothing escapes the attention of the media these days. Unless of course we're busy with something important, in which case, everything escapes our attention.

I know those seem a bit indiscernible words to live by. "So what am I supposed to make of that?" I hear the brides and bridegrooms asking.

Well, here's how it goes: If there is an Iraq war going on, you can walk out on your 600-guest wedding, hop a bus to Vegas and nobody will know except the 600 guests, your parents and the parents of your betrothed.

If, however, it's a dull as dirt week in the news and President Bush is off boring everybody to death talking about Social Security — important, but boring — hang on to your hat because the media circus will come to town.

If there is nothing going on more important, not only will the cops turn over every leaf, but we will be right there behind them to document on tape from five different angles the underside of that leaf.

Now, if leaf inspection were competing with let's just say, Greg Kelly of FOX News making a Thunder Run into Baghdad in the first days of the war — not a chance it makes it on the air. Not a chance. If Jennifer "cold feet" were bopping around Vegas while Greg Kelly is mesmerizing the world, she's got no problem except a bunch of angry wedding guests.

But you have to keep your eye on the news radar. Nothing is going on? Behave, behave, behave. Or, if you're not up to behaving, at least make it look like you ran away instead of making it look like you got kidnapped. Bad ideas to leave the purse and cell phone at home, Jen. What were you thinking? You had to know how we were going to take that fact, didn't you?

Well, obviously she didn't. But the rest of you, I repeat, let this be a lesson to you. When the newshounds are scratching for a bone, any bone, don't offer them yours.

Words of wisdom from an old pro.

That's My Word.

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