"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":
"Congratulations to Senator John Kerry (search) — the big winner in yesterday's primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head!"
"Last night John Edwards (search) won his home state of South Carolina. His basic stump speech throughout his campaign is that there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. Of course Republicans are going, 'That's fine with us, as long as it's a first class section."'
"Joe Lieberman (search) has pulled out of the presidential race. Now of course comes the hard part — telling his supporter."
"Yesterday Howard Dean (search) got under 10% of the vote in South Carolina, Missouri, and Oklahoma. That Al Gore endorsement is really kicking in!"
"President Bush has started to campaign on the accomplishments of his administration. Bin Laden's been forced into hiding, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated, Janet Jackson is under INVESTIGATION. 'We'll get to the bottom of this!"'
"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts. I believe they are smoke and mirrors."
"The Late Show with David Letterman":
"How many of you saw the big `Survivor (All-Stars)'? It was very exciting. They got the whole gang back: they got the old guy; they got the naked fat guy; they got the ex-bartender; they have the former Green Beret ... oh no, wait a minute, those are the Democratic candidates for president."
"President Bush's approval rating is down below 50%. So now, what he's got to do is let Saddam (Hussein) go and catch him again."
"Bad news for Dennis Kucinich ... he finished behind Punxsutawney Phil."
"Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn":
"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. American are asking: What did President Bush not know and when did he mispronounce it?"
"Real Time with Bill Maher":
"Okay, now we're going to the Republicans. They certainly have problems of their own: the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, or actually the ones that aren't in Iraq. Condoleezza Rice was on every network morning show blaming this whole mess on 'flawed intelligence.' Now, afterward, the President took her into his office and he said, 'You weren't talkin' about me, were you?"'