Gags From the Great Thief

Milton Berle earned his nickname — "The Thief of Bad Gags" — through such jokes as these, from his book Milton Berle's Private Joke File.


— Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

— I'm so henpecked I cackle in my sleep!

— A worm has some things going for it. For instance — it can't fall down!

— He lives on the wrong side of a one-track mind!

— Last month I put in a rock garden. Two of them were dead in the morning!

— They should never send up three astronauts in one capsule. Sooner or later they'll start arguing about who gets the seat by the window!

— The Army is trying to become more attractive to recruits. In the mess hall now they have strolling violin players.

— (A musician) played in Key West. It was the first time I knew what key he was in.

— My new parrot must have been raised in a tough neighborhood. He won't talk without an attorney!

— I just returned from my vacation. I'm still recovering from bus lag!

— A great actor was asked for the ten thousandth time, "How'd you become a star?" He answered: "I started out as a gaseous cloud. Then I cooled."