Alicia Keys was the big winner at last night's Grammy Awards — but her red-carpet look was far from victorious. 

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Grammy Fashion 2002

So what if that filmy green rhinestone-embroidered top and headdress were created by a world-class fashion designer, Christian Dior's John Galliano? 

People tune in to shows like this to see women in fairy-princess dresses, not upscale grunge. 

Only bands as cool as U2 should be allowed to wear jeans to big award ceremonies. (And only Levi's 501s, please.) 

Award winners should look amazing — like Nelly Furtado, who was divine in a white beaded gown by Giorgio Armani. 

A lot of misguided souls last night should have hit her up for pointers. 

For starters, the Dixie Chicks. One was dressed for a homecoming dance circa 1984, another was headed to a New York cocktail party and the remaining Chick was so badly dressed it's almost painful to recall. 

No one should wear a floor-length caftan with pink and purple vertical stripes. Shocking. Simply shocking. 

Or how about "Marmalade" ladies Pink and Christina Aguilera? 

Pink needed to lose the New Wave eye shadow, and Aguilera could have brought her Marilyn-via-Madonna look down a notch or three. 

Another Grammy-going faux blonde fared better. No Doubt's fashion goddess Gwen Stefani looked seriously foxy in her leopard print halter dress (very Yves Saint Laurent). 

The boys in her band win my award for best-dressed males, in their red, white and black suits. The Backstreet Boys, on the other hand, looked dressed by their manager's wife. 

Other wardrobe winners included Celine Dion in a sexy peachy-pink Dior dress, and Mary J. Blige in a Dolce & Gabbana pinstriped suit. 

And then there's Britney Spears. 

She took a turn for the conservative last night in a tame red chiffon gown and a big, bad (as in "not good") burst of brassy curls. 

At one of last year's award shows, she jiggled around in a loincloth with a boa constrictor. Last night, she could have used the snake.

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