NEW YORK – Happy New Year – the star's resolutions we'd like to see in the bright ball dropping glow of the Foxlight.
Tom Cruise's New Year's resolution? Stop saying you're in love with your co-star. It doesn't help the movie.
And Penelope? Learn a new language – English.
Calista Flockhart, the usual, lose weight.
Keith Richards, stop giving blood.
Billy Bob and Angelina, stop wearing blood.
Elijah Wood, wear the ring, it's a babe magnet. And stop growing.
Wood: "Dude, I'm 20, this is as big as I'm going to get."
Ben Affleck, take more meetings – at A.A.
Winona Ryder, check all clothing for security devices.
Charlie Rose, get a set.
George Clooney, do more charitable work – anonymously.
Regis, say "I'm saving ABC again," when they cancel Millionaire.
Emeril, only cooking shows. Sitcoms are for professionals like Jason Alexander.
Uh, make that Michael Richards.
Hmm, sorry, make that, oh never mind.
Nathan Lane, get Bill McCuddy Producer's tickets.
The show Fear Factor, more celebrities in really stupid, humiliating and embarrassing situations.
And finally, Bill O'Reilly, resolve to investigate celebrities who say they make resolutions but really call them on the carpet when they don't follow through on them. Put a stop to this whole celebrity resolution promising thing.
And that's the always resolved world of Hollywood lies, questionable ties and publicist cries every day of the year in the bright New Year's glow of the Foxlight.