Alternative Oscar Suggestions

The Academy's official Oscar nominees only begin to cover the highlights of last year's films.

In honor of movie moments the Motion Picture Academy is sure to forget, the Post hereby nominates the following stars, performances, clothing items and weather patterns for our "Alternative Oscar Awards." 

And the winners are? You be the judge. 

Least convincing performance as a nerd: 

Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed 

Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley 

Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich 

Natalie Portman in Anywhere But Here 

Michele Williams in Dick 

Best-groomed actor/actress under adverse conditions: 

Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale as inmates of a Thai prison in Brokedown Palace 

Milla Jovovich as Joan of Arc with a $500 haircut in The Messenger 

Ashley Judd as a superbuff women's prison inmate/escapee in Double Jeopardy 

Eddie Murphy as an inmate serving a life sentence in a tough rural prison in Life 

Brad Pitt as a guy brawling all the time in Fight Club 

Bruce Willis as a psychologist in The Sixth Sense 

Least authentic portrayal of a professional: 

Saffron Burrows as a marine biologist and senior research scientist in Deep Blue Sea 

Johnny Depp (dual nomination) as a police investigator in late 1700s New York state in Sleepy Hollow and as a contemporary astronaut in The Astronaut's Wife 

Cameron Diaz as a football team owner in Any Given Sunday 

Angelina Jolie as a police detective in The Bone Collector 

Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough 

Julia Roberts as a hardware store owner and repair person in Runaway Bride 

John Travolta as a military investigator in The General's Daughter 

Best real estate porn: 

Huge Central Park West apartment belonging to 30-ish doctor Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut 

Palatial Fifth Avenue apartment featuring a ballroom big enough to hold 500 extras belonging to businessman Sydney Pollack in Eyes Wide Shut 

Journalist Richard Gere's New York apartment, complete with 2,000-square-foot terrace overlooking Central Park in Runaway Bride 

Pierce Brosnan's fabulously decorated pad in The Thomas Crown Affair 

Most distracting performance by an article of clothing or accessory: 

Adrien Brody's dog collar in Summer of Sam 

Heather Graham's orange crocheted dress in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me 

Nicole Kidman's translucent camisole in Eyes Wide Shut 

Natalie Portman's robe, headdress and makeup as Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace 

Rene Russo's transparent black dress in The Thomas Crown Affair 

Couple with the least chemistry: 

Harrison Ford and Kristin Scott Thomas in Random Hearts 

Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock in Forces of Nature 

Hugh Grant and Jeanne Tripplehorn in Mickey Blue Eyes 

Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor in Phantom Menace 

Mira Sorvino and Val Kilmer in At First Sight 

Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer in The Story of Us 

Best performance by precipitation: 

The snow in Snow Falling on Cedars 

The rain in Angela's Ashes 

The fog in Sleepy Hollow 

The mist in The Sixth Sense 

The rain of frogs in Magnolia 

Most grating character in an over-hyped movie: 

Jar-Jar Binks in Phantom Menace 

Heather Donahue in The Blair Witch Project 

Fat Bastard in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me 

Courtney Love as a supportive girlfriend in Man in the Moon 

Adam Sandler in the lead role in Big Daddy