Researchers are now claiming that money can buy happiness, but only if you spend it on other people. Who these "other people" are, they don't say — but I bet it's researchers.

In this study, these dipwads gave 600 volunteers $5 or $20 and half got instructions on how to spend it. Those who spent it on someone else reported feeling happier.

To which I say: "Duh."

It wasn't their money to begin with, you jerkwads. That's why it didn't matter! If it was, you can bet they would have been spent it all on meth instead.

Look, I know stingy people are miserable jerks — just look at babies. But I'm suspicious of this research. One, because researchers are dweebs and two, it's just an excuse to bash America.

The researchers claim their findings explain why people are no happier here in the U.S., even though we are richer than ever. But they failed to point out that America gives more money away than any country in the world. If they had, then their study would have been shown to be as idiotic as my houseboy Ricardo, who still can't figure out how to use a bidet.

Lastly, it's crap like this that paves the way for "pro-social" spending: Pushing the idea that the more we get taxed for pointless programs, the happier you should be.

Still, I'm a giver. But if you had answered my ad on craigslist, you would have known that already.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com