Photo: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
So, you're going to attend a Super Bowl party, eh? You've decided to forego the comfort and freedom of your own home to sit with one or two friends and a loose collection of acquaintances for a few hours. How courageous.
What can you expect? Sure, there will be the standard fare that one can find anywhere: food, drink, conversation, etc. But we're not concerned with that. We need to break down the types of people you will come across. By identifying the various personalities, you can better prepare for whom to avoid.
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So, here it is: The seven types of people who attend a Super Bowl party.
1. The commercial maven
This species is the one who wants to shush everyone as soon as there's a break in the game action. Want to chat about that last play? Want to poll the room and ask if everyone wants another drink? Sorry, you'll have to text everyone or speak in whispers, because this person is just DYING to check out that new Seth Rogen/Amy Schumer ad. And then wants to critique it. And tweet about it. Is also highly likely to use the word "derivative." Ugh.
2. Only there for the halftime show
Will rock a Chris Martin T-shirt and may bring his entire Coldplay collection to the party. This person will ask if they could play "Clocks" just to set the mood before kickoff. Will pay scant attention to the game -- if at all -- and may even leave as soon as the show is over. A horrifying human being.
3. Only there for the free food
You will be able to spot this food monster because after setting two feet in the door, they will loudly proclaim that they haven't eaten all day because they've been "saving their appetite for this." Will make a beeline for the veggie plate to start, then move to the cheese cubes. Will impatiently ask when the main course is being served because the hunger is starting to give them a headache. Will not be pleasant company until every inch of their stomach is stuffed to the rafters.
4. Only there for the free alcohol
Much like the food monster in that they will loudly proclaim that they haven't had a drink in over a week because they've been "saving their liver for this." Will start with all of your expensive liquor first because "Why not? This IS a special occasion, right?" Will be very drunk by kickoff, sloppy by halftime and speaking Russian by the end of the third quarter. Will sleep at your house. Will not make it to work the following day.
5. The betting failure
This person is almost always a dude -- probably an attorney -- and will have a jersey on, with possibly a puka shell necklace. This person may even frequently and mysteriously disappear into the bathroom for five-minute stretches. Anyway, expect updates on whether they won the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, the number of times Cam Newton dabs, possible missed extra-point tries, etc. This person will lose every bet they made.
6. The "real" fan
Will yell loudly every time there's an incompletion. Will throw things at the television and say things like, "What?! Why would you run Green-Right Slot Spider 2 Y Banana on third-and-4! Why throw there?! Where's the pass rush?! God, the linebackers aren't staying home!" Will scare small children and generally make everyone feel uncomfortable. You won't say this out loud, but you will secretly root for their team to lose just so you can have the pleasure of watching them suffer.
7. The entire-night-on-the-cellphone person
This person was originally supposed to attend the party with a plus-one, but said plus-one decided not to attend at the last minute. However, whatever caused the late cancellation will rear its head during the entire party. The attendee will not speak much and will spend the proceedings with a frown on their face while furiously texting. Will frequently get up and say, "One sec, just need to make a call real quick." Will take their phone out to the patio where you can faintly make out some loud talking while the limb not holding the phone will flail wildly. Also a candidate to leave the party early ... or stay uncomfortably late because they "don't want to go home."