Published September 23, 2013
The Colorado Rockies' longtime first baseman, Todd Helton, announced last week his plans to retire following the 2013 regular season. In response to that, there were a few things that were sure to happen:
There would be an outpouring of support (deserved). There would be claims that he is the best first baseman in Rockies history (he is). There would be claims that he was the best first baseman in baseball history (might be reaching here). Then, a couple things that were a bit unexpected:
He would unveil himself as a master of illusion . He would be exposed for what he really is: a centaur. A big thanks to this fan for depicting the dark truth:
For those who are not interested in things both awesome and amazing, a centaur is a mythological creature with the upper body of a man (in Helton's case, a man's man) and the lower body of a horse.
How did he conceal this otherworldly secret for so long? Probably magic, but who knows. How can anyone be certain of anything anymore?
The only sure thing here is that MLB commisioner Bud Selig thought he had his hands full with PEDs -- well, he didn't know the half-man of it.