Philadelphia, PA – Operation reform the image of Ryan Braun began with a lengthy, prepared statement from the disgraced slugger on Thursday.
It's the right move, of course, and probably will go a long way with fans in Milwaukee, but as for the rest of the country, well, let's just say it's too little too late for the guy who stood in front of everyone last spring declaring his innocence in the most arrogant of manners.
"I would bet my life that this substance never entered my body at any point," Braun said then.
Well, apparently it did and he wanted to show the world how truly sorry he was for that with a 944-word apology that the Brewers released in an email.
A Facebook post probably would have come off as too insincere.
Instead of saying that he did not know what he was putting into his body, Braun chose to go the Andy Pettitte route, saying that he took performance enhancing drugs toward the end of his MVP season of 2011 in an effort to heal from a "nagging injury."
"The products were a cream and a lozenge which I was told could help expedite my rehabilitation. It was a huge mistake for which I am deeply ashamed and I compounded the situation by not admitting my mistakes immediately," the statement read.
A lozenge and a cream, huh? That's all you did?
For those who are interested, a 4:1 testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio is what's needed for a suspension. Braun's ratio in 2011 was nearly 20:1.
Braun's apology may mean something to Brewers fans, but don't expect the rest of MLB to paint him as a hero in all of this. And honestly, who cares? Those with a brain realize the only reason Braun is sorry is because he got caught.
But, in the end, he did get caught. He is serving a 65-game suspension. Isn't that enough? What exactly could Braun have said on Thursday that would have changed anyone's opinion of him?
Perhaps it's the fact that I am a Cynical Charlie and always tend to expect the worst in people, but if anyone thinks Braun did this just this one time to help heal an injury and got caught, well you my friend are a dope.
History has taught us that rarely are these isolated incidents.
Braun's mea culpa is what it is. The only thing that mattered on Thursday was the fact that he apologized to Dino Laurenzi Jr., the sample collector whose integrity he questioned. He actually went as far as to suggest that Laurenzi was an anti-semite and that may have been a driving force behind him tainting Braun's sample.
Let's hope Laurenzi sues him for millions.
"Moving forward, I want to be part of the solution and no longer part of the problem," Braun added.
You really want to make a difference Ryan? Here's how you can do it. Tell the Brewers you'll re-negotiate that 5-year, $105 million extension you signed back in 2011 that we all know now was based on deception.
Something tells me there's probably a better chance of him actually giving us the whole truth than of that happening though.
Lather, rinse, repeat until the next cheater offers up the same lame apology.
Alex Rodriguez, I believe you are up next...