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Evil Contrarian: NBC's Olympics Coverage Is Flawless And Beautiful

Everyone on Twitter should be suspended except for Matt Lauer, the Opening Ceremony coverage was without fault, and NBC should be respected as a parental figure who knows what's best for us. That and more in this edition of Evil Contrarian.

Jiminy Christmas! Over the last few days, I've heard nothing but complaints over NBC's coverage of the Olympic Games. Hey, folks, you want something to pour the wine into, like a goblet or thermos or something to go with that wine? Enough is enough.

The truth is, NBC is full of wonderful people who have done an absolutely wonderful job of turning the Olympics -- a bloated, too-long series of eHow videos you will never find useful -- into an exciting spectacle. NBC is the best channel on television. In fact, it may be the only channel on television.

Oh, say again? You think you could do better? Well, let's put that to the test. I made this video in an attempt to see whether I can do what NBC does, day in and day out:

See? It's hard! I bet NBC knows how to make the whole video show up right-side-up and everything.

Some of you insufferable crybabies would rather pick nits about the editorial elements of NBC's broadcasts, however. Well, fine. I'll address them one by one.

1. The Parade of Nations play-by-play commentary was almost comically superficial and lowbrow.

Indeed, Bob Costas and Matt Lauer relied on movie trivia quite often when introducing the nations of the Olympics. Madagascar was referenced as Madagascar marched.

What do you think NBC stands for? Nobody Cares At All? Well, it doesn't. America is the only nation that matters, and other nations should only be recognized as American pop culture has acknowledged them. The countries' actual identities and histories are irrelevant. These are the only labels that are important.


2. Why is a cable TV subscription required to watch the Olympics online?

Nobody has this problem, because everyone has cable TV. Everyone normal, anyway. People without cable exhibit the following symptoms:

  • Crippling drug/gambling addiction, funded by the extra $40 they save
  • Reflexively trying to type "thepiratebay.se" into the remote while at a friend's house
  • Complete inability to use products as advertised; may attempt to use toothpaste as laundry detergent or drink a Hyundai
  • Probably being weird
  • Is probably a poor person (gross)

It's best to ignore weirdos/poors entirely, rather than cater to their selfish lifestyles.

3. How did NBC interview Evander Holyfield without knowing who he was?

Oh, thank God. Another Sega kid. So just because you had a Genesis, you expect everyone to be familiar with every Genesis character?

Look, I'm sorry that you didn't get to play Super Mario Kart and that they didn't call the Dreamcast the "Leviticus" like they should have, but that's no reason to get snotty with the rest of us for being unfamiliar with Evander Holyfield, or Kid Chameleon, or the fat boss from Sewer Shark, or whoever. Get N or get out, jerk.

4. NBC's decision to tape-delay its broadcasts until primetime is frustrating as ever.

OK, first: NBC does not call it "tape delay," because networks have not used actual tape in a long time. It's like telling someone you're going to "go watch a video," and then going to the movie theater. What are you saying? Why don't you say "delayed"?

All right, so it's a simple, negligible misnomer. We're all guilty of these. It's not a big deal ... except, again, the only people using the term "tape delay" are the people whining about it. Seriously, search NBC.com for "tape delay." The only search results come from kvetching no-gooders on the message boards.

When a large group of people are making a simple error, and all of these people are on one side of the line, one can't help but draw a correlation. I don't know whether you knuckleheads just repeat the term "tape delay" without thinking about it, or if the phrase actually gives you the image of Tom Brokaw is swimming in the nude in a sea of magnetic tape in an enormous re-purposed quarry, but if you're going to complain, you ought to at least take a half-assed stab at not sounding stupid.

More importantly, NBC serves as a parental figure to American adults. The completion of adolescence does not shed us of our need for parental guidance. As individuals, Americans are meandering, fragile, and helpless; perhaps able to refrain from shitting their drawers, but otherwise completely worthless without the direction of our Corporations. Corporations, you see, are our benevolent superhumans, our gods. They know what is best for us. "Finish your work," says the Corporation, "and then you may watch your Olympics."

You will fuss and carry on, and if you could listen to yourself, you might well hear an echo of your 8-year-old self protesting piano lessons. The Corporation, NBC in this case, certainly hears it. It grins. And then, as would a benevolent, loving, omnipotent Godzilla, it turns the world upside-down and rips the fabric of time, just for you. It knows that after a day of waiting, you have earned your Olympics. The Corporation loves you in a way you will never truly understand.

And yes, maybe NBC did air a promo clip that showed Missy Franklin swimming a race that they hadn't actually aired yet. That was just NBC being the Cool Dad who let you take a sip of his beer. Don't tell Mom, huh, Champ?

5. NBC registered a complaint that led to a journalist's suspension from Twitter.

Guy Adams, a journalist for The Independent, followed up a series of critical tweets of NBC's Olympics coverage with a tweet directing followers to an NBC executive's corporate email address. Allegedly, Twitter alerted NBC to this, the network filled out a form, and Adams' Twitter account was suspended.

This was simply the correct business move for NBC to make. Now that the lone rabble-rouser of the anti-NBC movement has been silenced, the rest of the world can get back to enjoying the Olympics and not finding any fault with NBC at all. I think that everyone who is critical of NBC should have their accounts suspended. In fact, I think that everyone's Twitter account should be suspended, excepting for the one belonging to Matt Lauer. That way, everyone's Twitter feed could look like this;

Ahhhhhh.

So why did NBC ax the tribute to the victims of London's 7/7 bombing during the Opening Ceremony?

OK well

You see the thing is

OK well that was pretty shitty.