Jeffrey Ross

" Hi welcome back to this strategy around into a tight ship around here. I'm Lawrence -- filling in today for whoever you believe at this hour I apologize I'm not sure. Whitney today -- special guests bill shields from the show red I am sure you recognize him I think especially if you're talking about whether I appreciate it. Thanks for the charity. I was looking up -- our other special guests. Mr. Jeffrey Ross also known as roast master like. -- And all your success and I -- more like that thank you. Now in honor of George Carlin the -- George Carlin here are seven other words you won't hear on television. And the Emmy goes to bumps to me. Turning my joke on me and yeah. They weren't hard on the on -- guys are really worked -- it yet gotten him. That it I don't want that car. This -- Thomas videos has a bigger budget and is this isn't the Internet -- Clinton mafia wars while they want to know is Joe Franklin here somewhere -- actually -- down here -- the weekend's -- lastly if you look. America at its headquarters -- for a summit on camera -- and it and I'm so this is a really funny book but I really funny to me. Unfortunately -- could be here today funny when -- by the way he mentions me in his book you really it's got to that picture with any. -- This -- before you have wouldn't -- because the jokes you want but -- my good friend. You know Barney Mary county meaning you also have a book out -- now. I I only wrote the ones I love. Which is -- three title for a cumulative book that has many mean things yeah."

" It all comes from a place of affection."

" thinking I mean to the people that you rose. Love you at the end or do they always hold something against them."

" I think the trick is to always have people leave the -- going that was so much fun I hope they -- me next time. You want everyone to be in on it. Then and there really funny and if you weren't funny obviously wouldn't be good at this wrap -- you can't just -- right right you have to. Backhanded compliments play the best Ulysses build people up and then take them down a notch example. Example. Well you know like what after the last summer a lot of people say Jesus Christ it's eagle is cutting getting out of control and I remember reading cubicle scholars talking about I talk about this in the book right after -- John the Baptist standing up and making fun of jesus' -- Fourteen seasons with Robinson who think Jesus thanks flip flops I wish I kept everything -- mid summer camp."

" Also have a passion of the Christ junk. And those are one in there I I I heard about one that you told -- a benefit once they don't know appropriate for TV but in the Internet remember that -- right now -- talent. Okay now I can't tell I could I don't know her very well but it was really abilities said."

" them wanna take things right to the line -- roasting you know roasting. Is like the highest. Compliment you can pay somebody unfiltered honesty in the form of a well crafted joke. I -- Courtney Love life with Joe let you take credit for sending her rehab I think the world gives me credit for -- Who roasting pan Mandalay and she was and hot -- and throwing ice at me. And I work hard on these jokes like I -- weeks on -- script and I'm performing it. According to a source coming after me she's attacking me and it was a benefit from Peta -- you'd think somebody would have a stun gun or something. Did end and a quarter my if you come -- towards me and I had a joke and -- margins said. How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse and Kurt Cobain. I hope and I hadn't -- it -- well I -- in my margin like -- may be right Jimmy Kimmel -- that would tell you do it that was really. One of the -- that was most memorable from that him the next morning she checked herself into -- so roasting saves lives trying to form. Yet they always have a what's the most negative reaction you got from -- rose Steve there before I guess about the -- off camera tonight that some sort of threw for a loop. -- Good question -- kind Jerry Lewis. He enjoyed it very much but on the flight home the next day he had a minor heart attack. --"

" for -- responsible. For that could you talk about in the book have been told you not to bring up Jerry Lewis telethon and that tells the doping and -- well they should."

" You can't bring -- Jerry's kids. And to me that becomes a challenge of how to like dance around it legal right to the line right. And you want -- still have a good time because she's a legend he's one of the greatest comedians of all time and you know you what you -- have. You know just the right joke you're gonna go there you better have the greatest joke ever and I said. Should -- people are making fun of you today but. I think what about the good things Jerry Lewis what about the fact -- just this past Labor Day. The six year old kid got up out of -- wheel -- And walked for the first time to turn off to Jerry --"

" Now I just a little -- that remote. Actually and it's did you get in and."

" More than they I'd -- didn't -- sort of blanket rule there's not a -- anyone over 82."

" Because we have a heart attack when you all the talk about even though I mean how many jokes they're running one but he he's dead right so. And well can you say about the man in batches. That well."

" I think it's time for and the changes FaceBook status to resting in peace. Yeah."

" At a book party release a book release party at the friars club and -- showed up and he was very very funny. He was given -- a hard time for -- everybody's -- he's like I'm right here."

" When you I mean anyone knows who you are and you've been all these -- and very successful obviously but. Before that when you first started out -- you described in the book how your very first rose whispered -- I. And I didn't really not know the man that you were on the day as well be legend -- how do you know what if someone that you're kind of -- in the first."

" kind of figure out what everybody knows about them. And and also because of my first rose I wanted to be self deprecating. I don't wanna run that looks too much swagger because no one knows land on the at the youngest guy -- to -- Clinton acted out. Broken nose like yeah. And the -- when it. Yeah Japanese and slanted -- it was it's a sweater vest he swagger that I think -- little problem with that forever 41. I'm not famous enough to be roasted and nothing good -- And and get out there for -- and he would never met before in Poland Milton -- introduces me. The king of the road sometime I've never met him either. And look at -- Sort of look at an 1100 people who don't know -- if it. Letting you don't know me but I feel uniquely qualified to be here today because -- actor. I was often -- And then you really and they only remember that -- it went well that you were one of the best -- so. Afterwards -- was roasting Senegal Milton Berle. He kept poking me in the ribs from behind the podium nobody could see it every time I got a big laugh I got pulled just like this and I would jump in the audience to but I had a -- And the good -- you got it's like a little like verbal sort of sparring thing was very funny and but he packets are jumped in and there I am on the -- holding my own with these. Legend has -- more of comedy. And afterwards we go back to the friars club and I said to Buddy Hackett said. Why is Milton poll -- like that that that means you funny he does that too young comedians. And it occurred to me that. I had something special this was my Yankee Stadium the -- You walk into that room I just got. You know -- tingle it was like I wanted to do this and Milton gave me great advice he said they only remember the home runs and walked the walked up them afterwards I asked him for vice Virginia cigar never smoked cigars before. And he said they only remember the home runs and out sticks with me and I do less time and just -- the big joke line. And program that's pretty cool story millions last -- here in Milton."

" Last rose was my first -- we don't wanna. Pass -- garbage time a little bit. Now what are the rumors that you course Leachman of had a toward affair ever since. -- Dancing With The Stars episode. Well she definitely wanted it I -- I have eyes I think that's out of same thing now there's a couple pictures and stories about -- and Cloris in the book and I -- like we -- rehearsal. And she's she later had a comment after rehearsal. And -- put my hand on her. Mammary gland. Seventeen. -- appointment if you grab my hand and squeezed it. To secure if I love you love me. And actress -- there. Quote I love you. And she goes -- my first course going to be Dancing With The Stars from the judges. I don't know 911."

" two years old. Still beat me I got eliminated and yeah."

" Yeah let's talk about here dancing with the stars and you got eliminated relatively early in the program -- also sustained an injury right what happened."

" the very last move of the very last rehearsal. My partner and her long fingernail."

" Just need to -- among them should on the mini I had won the I should point my last move and to just."

" Just ever so slightly to think it was a very painful."

" Okay thank you -- Yes sorry my history and -- I think given the size and -- that a good thing for you do you think career was because they open -- up to a whole audience that perhaps doesn't -- friends."

" I guess career wise it was good because they let me c'mon at the end of the season and -- about violence saying okay. Last season I think they should call this dancing with the vaguely familiar yeah."

" So that really are more accurate -- leg that. The two Google the cast was and it said -- Yahoo!."

" And it still it gives me a little bit have a chance for. Oh a little. Payback. I get to go on at the end into -- clean but also funny. I want I roasted on the finale of -- with the stars 23 million people watched it hasn't and -- as the -- ever gotten -- kind of audience. -- a really fun so. It's been a good experience and you get a lot of new fans and for the talk about a mortgage or on -- with stars yeah. Another adventure. -- Or chapter in the book the -- exactly and -- that that's another fun thing about writing a book as anything. Challenging or difficult there. Or depressing that ever happened to me you can write it in a funny way make a chapter in an older -- your and it the end -- well I wrote a book."

" We should also say. And I have read the book not completely been missed that Jesus part but I. You know the -- it's funny honestly tell the story you have some fun stories about your career and it would also give me good advice if you're ever. Did you about the -- someone you -- really. Practical good tips and you obviously have to have some wit to to carry out right it's really really helpful -- OP is it. Well actually. -- a horrible person began with. They're holding -- crap if I'm really making people cry. -- They'll say next door News Corp. cafeteria anymore but you -- I know friends but now if I was ever invited to -- someone now we know how to do it you know without absolutely cutting off -- you know -- if -- had to be insulting the kind of like keep your distance from Brett. The horrible things are saying about --"

" A lot of little tricks of the trade when you're writing -- strokes one of them like you -- is keeping your distance and talk about how. You know. You know you think what you're saying but you're not really saying and -- I'm not saying here breath stinks but you know write whatever they. They have -- a month -- he couldn't he thinks that you're might vomit speaks for itself -- get him back on benefits."

" Looking all comedians are the bill type of comedians like the self deprecating I -- not a comedian you're funny writer actor tragedy and."

" That's when -- syllables it's harder to pronounce. But most of them are very very you know self deprecating kind of humor and you actually is slightly self deprecating -- the most -- violent and now I'm all deprecating. Right but not necessarily off -- welcome pandemic found myself for instance look at these -- work -- out. That means he can beat the washboard -- you should read -- after her life one's sport wraps."

" A little -- from last night. I'll get I didn't I am I went out till 5 in the morning remember fox. You better men and meanwhile on the island in the one's -- drink an -- great yeah I wasn't I would -- and it myself last night yeah I'm really -- and thank you for. Having him here because it looks so much better and seeing so much funny here that. Luckily I am so drunk that none of these are actually hitting me that you are coming -- coming down I'm still there -- an -- bill thank you alienate you from."

" I'm Lauren yeah so fun. Is that my look at where everything you thought it would be around us gonna wear the same that's enough."

" I'll relaying or industry for the viewers how loyalists instead. Look amazing you very beautiful you -- natural to tell. Me."

" That means yes -- with him and you know -- anything really. -- I don't think for anyone but he just didn't a lot of lines. And yes I heard Hannity walks around -- purple underwear -- always true. No that's Glenn -- really yes and."

" And under -- on his head that's really bad for the interns. -- things will never speak of outside of the building here."

" I guess they -- right now where -- and we're doing it talk about your best friend Eliot Weinstock."

" That's so funny you really did homework and -- she's very get a I -- dollars -- knowledge acknowledgment that might plug it. I think my pharmacist Elliot because that will be without over the counter drugs and behind the counter drugs and you know help keep you -- make you creative I'm."

" What do you want right now -- got you up this morning particularly a little coffee from -- made little coffee and maybe ask don't matter already forgotten our largest coffee. It was really fun. Went to butter stance on the booths yeah yeah enabled -- with the power was -- I I was last night. Really that's an amazing night let's get to see you find that you actually a better able to answer every entry and I got up he -- Clearly that is and it's gonna be -- yeah it wasn't with the stars is dancing with the stats miseries and."

" Do you feel like you are definitely better dancer than most people -- show Johnson what. You wanted -- yeah."

" Yes luckily for you I don't have long now are careful to court try anything to try this -- the government you can -- Yeah I -- intellectually and this is -- my partner Tom McMahon right this doesn't require anything except got a shot shall. Doesn't matter -- yeah. -- economic."

" You know I gotta limit on the first states I didn't get to do the rumba and but the one thing about the -- is yet to think about a figuring with your -- So much a -- first."

" That -- in my head aroused. I'm glad I'm still saying they definitely -- is -- eating breakfast tray and trying to learn. So this is -- The greater good not gonna get this on the cable channel. And we'll talk in the mountain areas we do this country catch -- predator next season you actually you. You've done the impossible mail towards Obama got and I don't I can't believe that in the helicopter that is now. -- didn't hit and then there's the frame you know when are we keep another room but the quick start another thing they -- you -- you do this right. This -- appear in the scoop here and have to keep. -- you have a new look that way and I look this way home so it's very formal like an old movie star -- in the young opera and the believe -- that's the."

" I can't quit his coordination involved -- it will have to have -- certain mental strength. It from the dance partner even if I'm with the most anorexic -- make Thai boy I have a problem I'd get -- it would it's less restraint in more than coordination part like I'm fawn all over myself even on the got it got from and -- can actually hold on how -- I guess I. I go to letting on occasion -- Blow up doll. He applaud dot available let's look at -- this is too late paying as its arm -- when -- do Enron. Look for bill and an upcoming episode intervention."

" I just. They go -- great sleep well tonight Luke both. We're gonna take a quick break we'll be right back --"

" back. That is an on camera and relative. Bill -- and obviously here and I'm -- by national car behind those small thing. If Jeffrey Roth. And yeah and don't consider the -- master have a new book out I only wrote the -- that love which you can pick up I think then bookstore. Maybe signing this thank -- to be around planning on."

" At least signing it in Chicago this weekend have to make shows they did a couple signings in New -- can he -- and people many of my shows which is fun and find funny thing -- agency on the -- right now -- people when they asked me to roast and in the book I did yeah. There -- little insults and stuff like. That the -- has signed certain -- actually worth going to assigning you truly fun and the jokes -- This book is good for the environment to jokes are 100%. Recyclable. Now that's -- from Chris Rock Chelsea handler can reliable people calling on mayor Bob Saget Rachael Ray and fairest of them."

" I was Chelsea analyst quotes is Jeffrey Ross has -- face for books I'm glad he's finally come to terms with us."

" I think it's easy for me let -- and Rick -- and Walter Matthau got a baby hypothetical question yeah exactly. I before really doubt it."

" This was your day yeah. 400 -- dance."

" You record. Problem with making just it's a fancy word not clear what and when I saw it used anyway continue on Friday you you have this comedic timing of the suicide bomb. You know blows -- getting cleared up once or even. And Ella bell menu. Since the -- cited saying bill is so. Deep in the -- he's living in Narnia and then I feel like at 3 AM I'm out of the closet ballots are -- strategy remind back and I easy -- Lauren. -- Save -- I had -- for the easy targets area."

" I'd say learn today think that you're. Awesome and."

" What do it slow sort of build and then get to -- affected. -- look like a hooker from Battlestar Galactica."

" Though there really high class. Yeah. At Atlanta and Fox. News sent the real. A host that was both of -- shows Fox News correspondent. Leventhal -- into Iraq means you know -- in the desert he's done line really hardcore stuff but he's a big fan of yours. And turning fifty this year and I were going to -- him for his fiftieth birthday. Give us. Something we can."

" You want some advice for the road again I would try it with him. I would try to make it. Almost like a referendum modest career you know you can't really is a good looking guys on -- available to them -- insisting that maybe you could come. Dressed like you know it's high school girlfriend or somebody you met on sit on my FaceBook dot com. But -- kind of crazy stuff he's it is. And I -- have fun -- trick -- the trick is to make him feel comfortable. Very rat pack can make them feel like Sinatra. And you guys -- the rat pack can't go wrong. And Malia -- that. Daniel is what do you know it has to be his fiftieth birthday good good to go big occasion right. He should be something of an event somebody should be like teacher of the year. Or or employee of the month or schmuck of the century. --"

" Our photos counterproductive because if you like that the big wedding thing whenever -- roads slick and shore Rick went through his members only face -- see that in him I know we had at the would you -- sort of take away from the insults."

" Now you want to have one piece of art maybe on the podium or behind him that's very embarrassed. Good -- mustaches and Frankenstein. Always helps to -- there is that we all agree that they auditing."

" But green this this is old so eyebrow -- you have -- And it also he doesn't amount we didn't think anything lends some of it's hard to -- the strategy room it's kind of -- roast format -- is. Like the laid back it's like -- corner. -- reported -- the way the world seventy calories in a five RA the bingo caller has that higher budget than you guys. I -- rapid RD it's oxygen and honor are keeping an interview in the room that and frank an infinite. This is great -- thing I'm an electrical fires yeah."

" I -- having them think thank you --"