Published January 15, 2013
The Empire has struck back -- at the United States.
The Galactic Empire’s public relations division has issued a press release (via the Star Wars blog, of course) reasserting its military might -- and laughing at the United States for not building a planet-killing Death Star-style weapon.
Part of the story is no joke: An official petition urged the U.S. to begin building a real-life Death Star by 2016 on the White House's We the People website. When it received 34,435 signatures, President Barack Obama's Administration did indeed disavow plans to build the science fiction weapon -- in a very cheeky and clever response.
"Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that could be exploited by a one-man starship?" wrote Paul Shawcross, chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House's Office of Management and Budget. "The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn't on the horizon."
Of course not, the Empire responded.
“It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories -- in a press release from Imperial Center, Coruscant. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”
The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again, the press release concludes, despite the bellicose demands of the president of United States and “the people of his tiny, aggressive planet.”
Shawcross noted the cost of building such a vast weapon among the numerous reasons that the proposal would never fly. He estimated construction of a real-life Death Star would cost $850 quadrillion (that's $850,000,000,000,000,000). The White House is trying to reduce the deficit, not expand it, he wrote.
The Galactic Empire scoffed at the budgetary constrictions our “tiny, aggressive planet” faces.
“The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.
Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.
Where's that Jedi when you need him?