Pure Torture on the Ears

"Cherry Pie" by Warrant. Blisteringly dumb lyrics + awful drumbeat + big hair = pure torture.

"Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba. Also known as "I Get Knocked Down," this song's onmipresence at sporting events, in commercials, and at the MTV Awards in 1997, doomed whatever charm it may have had. Now, whenever you hear it, it just makes YOU want to knock somebody down.

"I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt," by Right Said Fred. It's not just the dippy lyric, it's the singer's voice that shreds your soul like a cheese grater shreds Cracker Barrel sharp cheddar.

"Macarena," by Los Del Rio. Released in 1993, "Macarena" was the second longest running #1 song in America, and the best selling debut single of all time. That's right - of all time. Weddings, bar mitzvahs, lame frat parties - you could not attend a gatheing of more than four people in the 1990s without idiots rushing to the dance floor to do the little weird hand clapping duck walk dance that went along with the song. The memories are searing.

"Never Gonna Give You Up," by Rick Astley. Pair it with the music video of him doing his little shuffle-y snappy no-rhythm dance and both eardrums and eyeballs begin to bleed.

"Pieces of Me," by Ashlee Simpson. She used to have a big nose, and she used to "sing" the worst pop songs you have ever heard, this being the worst one of all. Now she has no nose, and stays at home with her new baby. Now is better than then.

"Rico Suave," by Gerardo. It's just those two words, over and over again, to an insipid "tune." "Rico Suave" induces a catatonic state in under 10 minutes, either that or you start throwing yourself up against the nearest brick wall, doing anything in your power to make the madness end.

"We Built This City (On Rock and Roll)," by Starship. Once known as Jefferson Airplane in the 1960s, by the time they were Starship in the 1980s, big '80s hair and all, they were unrecognizable from their trail-blazing hippie-rock former selves. This song is their worst, bar none, and, also, their most popular, which makes so little sense you want to scream "Whhhhhhhyyyyy?" at the top of your lungs, and question the very existence of God. Luckily, when you shut it off, you feel much better.

"Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men. Three-year-old kids love this song, they really do. They get to woof. Everyone else hates it. Yet it is played at most major sporting events. We get it, the players are like the dogs, and they have been let out, and they are ready to beat the other team. Okay, fine, the metaphor has been explained. Now make it stop.

"Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time," by Sir Paul McCartney. We bet he didn't play this at Coachella. Lazy, bloated rock legend farts out a Christmas song, things its the next "Jingle Bells," unleashes it on the world, and makes billions suffer needlessly. We think Sir Paul should go on trial.