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OPINION

Twinkie, where art thou?

  • REUTERS

  • Nov. 16, 2012: Twinkies baked goods are displayed for sale at the Hostess Brands' bakery in Denver, Colo.AP

The Hostess Brands bakery has announced that it will be going out of business after more than 80 years of creating Devil Dogs, Yodels, Ding Dongs, Ring Dings, Ho Ho's, Sno Balls, Suzy Q's, and the company's blond bombshell, Twinkies.

Holy cannoli!

I don't want to live in a world without Twinkies. Isn't it enough that I've had to give up the Columbia House music club, "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific," my Walkman, and the New York holiday traditions of "Mighty Joe Young" and the Yule Log?

The Austrians have their Strudel, the Italians their tiramisu, the French created crepes. But the Twinkie is an American original. Invented in 1930 in Illinois, no other cake is as instantly recognizable as the beloved Twinkie. There is nothing else like it. A perfect little loaf of "golden sponge cake with creamy filling." Ah, humanity! Simple. Classic. Delicious. I don’t trust anyone who doesn't love a Twinkie.

Twinkies have gotten a bum rap over the years. An urban myth was created that states Twinkies have an infinite shelf life. This is simply not true. They've never lasted more than a day in my house. And in 1979, Dan White claimed that a diet high in sugar -- "the Twinkie defense" -- led him to kill San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk.

I could kill for a Twinkie right now.

The news of the Hostess demise has ignited a frenzy, and the hoarding has begun. More coveted than gas after Superstorm Sandy, Twinkies are fetching big bucks on eBay and Craigslist. A box of 10 is going for $250. Stores across the U.S. are reporting empty shelves where Twinkies once stood. 

A Twinkie hunt in my New York City neighborhood produced nothing. I could give up Twinkies, of course, but I'm no quitter.

I'm not sure who's to blame. Some critics argue Hostess' management team caused the company to grow stale. Others say the union has cream on its hands. 

Now, controversy is brewing over who might buy Hostess products. Business analysts are speculating that a Mexican billionaire is on the short list to acquire the Twinkies brand. I don't care whose fault it is; I don't care who buys the brand; I just want a Twinkie. 

The judge in charge of the bankruptcy will decide the little cake’s fate. 

Here's to hoping he's not a ding dong.