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A selfish Millennial's guide to the 2012 election

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 (AP)

Yes, I am a Millennial. Unfortunately I’m a part of the “self-esteem” era, where people my age tend to be very selfish. Not only that, but I’ve been raised with a generation of people who’ve often never been taught the constitutional parameters of government nor it’s originally intended role in American society. 

Certainly not in school anyway.

So when it comes to the United States government, it’s only natural for young people to want more free crap. We’ve seen this simple ideal spur an entire movement of fickle young people through the recent Occupy protests. 

Enter President Obama, the king of promising #MoreFreeCrap! So it makes sense that most young people voted for him in 2008 and that many plan to do so again this November. 

Listen, I love free stuff. I’m a buffet’s worst nightmare. My picture is still on the wall at the Bellagio. I don’t, however, believe that we should vote based on the ideal of #MoreFreeCrap.  

That being said, there are more than enough selfish, non-idealistic reasons for young people to wake up and smell the failure of this administration before pulling the lever this November. Let’s take a look at why that is.

HEALTH CARE: Okay, if you have absolutely zero self belief and/or respect, yes, mooching off of your parent’s insurance until twenty six years of age is a perk. 

Once paying your own way, however, you’ll notice that health care costs will have seen an accelerated rise of $4500 per person in 2011 with premiums rising by 3% respectively. All signs point toward these kinds of costs getting worse. Maybe you can’t afford that, and so like many Millennials you may want to choose to forgo the initial purchasing of insurance. Can’t do that. You’ll be hit with a whopping $1,200 penalty. I’m sorry, I meant to say tax. Or is it a penalty? Don’t worry, Nancy Pelosi can’t remember either

SOCIAL SECURITY: Ah yes, many Millennials love the idea of a social safety net provided for them courtesy of the government.  Problem is that unbeknownst to many younger folk, the government is funded by… you. Even worse, though you continue to fund Social Security out of your own pocket, the Social Security Trust Fund is expected to crap out somewhere around 2035

Sound a little earlier than you planned to retire? Don’t worry, if the birthrate increases dramatically, and the average lifespan shortens significantly, you just may make it. Unless that happens (hint: it won’t), you will likely get nothing. Unlike Conservatives, Democrats say that right now’s not the time to discuss any reform. How is this not a Ponzi scheme again?

HIGHER EDUCATION: It’s true, college tuition rates have become ridiculous. Both the right and the left agree on that.  What the left doesn’t tell you, however, is that the prices have only been able to far exceed the constraints of market forces due to an exceedingly large government.

Colleges and universities across the country would potentially be leaving millions of dollars on the table if they didn’t raise prices beyond what any average American can afford. That way, the prices are deemed unaffordable for the students, and the government steps in to make up the difference. Schools are now just playing the game that Big Brother’s set up for them. So if you want college tuition prices to continue to steadily rise, big government is the way to vote.

YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT: Okay, so you now know that you can’t rely on Social Security, maybe you’ve decided that you can handle retirement on your own. You’re one of the few lucky enough to be employed and you’re a good saver, right? 

Great.  Thanks to friends like Dodd-Frank and the Federal Reserve however, interest rates across the board are at an all-time low. Have fun trying to live on that 0.4% interest from your Savings Account. Not only that, but as more money continues to be printed or borrowed in order to pay for the greatest debt our nation has ever seen, it’s very possible that your dollars will consistently be devalued. So in trade for having given up more of your freedom, you will earn less money than before that is now worth less than before. Sounds like a good trade-off, no?

Well there you have it.  A case for selfish, under-informed Millennials voting in your own grubby little self-interests.  This is not even to mention the aborting of babies, national defense or two-dude marriages. 

At the end of the day, if you’re not an ideologue, couldn’t care less about what was originally intended for the country, if all you care about is what’s best for you and your generation… re-electing this administration is still the most horrible decision that you could make. You can take that to the bank. Though I’d advise putting it under a mattress.

Steven Crowder is a comedian and Fox News contributor. Follow him on Twitter@scrowder.