I know this might stun some of you, but when I was in high school, many thought I was a nerd. In fact, I think I asked about a dozen girls to my junior prom before one finally took pity on me and said yes.
No, she wasn't my mother!
But for some reason, they didn't find me -- I don't know, what's the word... attractive? What's the other term? "Remotely human?"
I kind of looked like a fat Norman Bates with a pocket protector -- more haunting, than hunky.
Still, no matter how offensive I looked, I always stayed on offense with the ladies. My standard line with them was this: Sure, the quarterback was a draw. I was the real deal. Built for comfort, ladies."
That's what I'd tell them. And that's.... well, that's what they'd ignore. Little did they know some day I'd be a superhero financial anchor god! The fools couldn't see the diamond through the acne-riddled rough.
But enough about me, back to how society makes mistakes overlooking handsome lugs only a mother could love -- like me.
I notice that when everything hits the fan, such preferences change fast. And not just when the quarterback says, "no."
Then those same girls who were chasing the jocks in high school are looking desperately for the real jewels that have long moved on later in life. Jewels, like... me.
But again, this commentary isn't about me -- although I could talk about me forever. No, this commentary is about using me as an example, to make a point about life.
I think when times get tough, we not only seek out comfort food -- take it from me, many look to "comfort guys."
It's why I do so exceptionally well in a financial crisis -- all of you are drawn to my sexy stability.
A rock when you're in a hard place.
And the draw isn't only comfort guys -- comfort lots of stuff.
Just look at the stocks that have been leading this market parade -- shall I say, hardly lookers.
Not sexy names. Safe names -- what they call "defensive stocks" like health care and consumer staples and utilities. According to the folks who crunch this stuff at S&P Dow Jones, they're the ones kicking sand at the beach.
And all those once-hot sexy names? More like beached whales on the beach.
Similarly, Adam Shell reports in Friday's USA Today, Russell Investment's so-called "Defensive Index" is out-performing its "Dynamic Index" of riskier names by 3 percentage points this year. Let me repeat that: Stable is beating sexy by three percentage points.
Which is kind of my way of saying, fat is where it's at. Which is also my way of saying, dorks rule and debonairs drool. Like I keep saying -- all my life. If only any of you women had listened. Pity. Because I found one who did: My wife.