• Ladies, at the risk of sounding sexist, this Christmas shopping season, I have a shopping question for you: How is it you can spend hours — hours! — in a mall and come out with nothing? Nothing!

    Don't believe me, guys? Watch my wife. She's got it down to a science.

    She spends a day shopping and, if she's really whooping it up, she'll come back with a single bag — and a small one at that. But usually no bag at all.

    I can't fathom it.

    Me? If I'm going into a mall, I'm on a mission. And trust me, it's not to take in the scenery, or the sales.

    Get in. Get it. Get out.

    Actually putting thought into the gift is secondary. That's how "crucial" getting out is!

    Not so women, who are infinitely more patient in stores. They compare, they study, they take note and then they move on.

    And here's the kicker, guys: They do this often in groups, even more often with groups of kids. Crying, screaming, fighting kids!

    And yet they patiently wander from store to store as if on radar.

    It's sort of like that "Penguin" movie where they seem biologically programmed to migrate — sort of like one big shopping mass, genetically linked to do nothing more than look. Not in snow, but stores.

    So clue me in, ladies. I need to know for what I think could be the documentary to beat all documentaries: "The March... of the Shopper."

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