• You guys are lucky that I'm not running for Congress (search). Because you know what would be my goal? Not bringing home the bacon, but getting rid of the bacon.

    I'm so sick and tired of congressmen who claim, "cut the budget, Mr. President, but not in my backyard."

    My theme would be, cut the budget, starting in my backyard.

    That's why I'd never get elected in the first place. I'd be too weird — and I'm not just talking looks here.

    Think about the guys who keep getting elected. They're usually the ones who keep bringing the money home. They love to brag about it: "I brought you this school, this library, this bridge, this highway."

    It drives me nuts! Because what this congressman is saying is, "I'm spending like a drunken sailor for you!" Which is a disgrace to drunken sailors, because at least in their case, it's their money! This is all our money. And we should be steamed not seduced!

    I say, don't do me any favors. Because when everyone brags about bringing home the bacon... they're also bringing home a huge bill. Because we all pay for that bacon, whether it's in our district or not.

    Me? I'd say "enough."

    I'd outline the bacon I took away, the federal grants I stopped, the cushy keep-bureaucrats-busy projects I said "no" to.

    We all know what'd happen. I'd be thrown out faster than me darting by the produce aisle in a grocery store!

    Them there's the facts, but that there is my campaign.

    I wouldn't promise you a thing, save this: I wouldn't promise you anything. Just see how long I'd last.

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