This is a rush transcript from "The Five," February 14, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, a North Carolina preschooler was forced to eat three chicken nuggets for lunch last month because the state employee told her the meal her mom had packed didn't meet government guidelines. The girl's turkey sandwich with banana chips and apple sauce missed the mark, so she was given an extra meal. They also billed the mom for the food because they can.
Anyhow, now, we got another war, this time it's on the brown bag. As the government assumes the feeding of your kid because clearly you can't be trusted, it eliminates crucial charm of childhood like the joy of watching your hangover mom using ketchup to make your PB&J. I never told her.
The grease spot at the bottom of your bag is the hot sun weaponizes the mayo worse than anthrax. And, of course, the fun of trading a Ho Ho for a Ding Dong. It has nothing to do with food. It's something we did in prison.
Anyway, I love this story for it reveals the absurdity of a government that justifies its life by controlling yours. If they prove your dangerous, they take over.
The real hypocrisy however resides among libs who scream, get the government out of bedrooms while remaining mum about this stuff. Maybe someone should stand behind them in bed and say, ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you, how fast would Bob Beckel vote for Ron Paul then?
Dana, I want to guess what kind of lunchbox you had as a child.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: OK.
GUTFELD: Strawberry shortcake.
PERINO: No. Too old.
PERINO: I had Holly Hobbie.
GUTFELD: Holly Hobbie.
PERINO: And then, not too long ago I was at the eastern market, they have flea market on Sundays, I was walking by. And someone that sells antiques was selling a Holly Hobbie lunchbox. It would have been nice.
PERINO: That's the one with the thermos.
GUTFELD: Yes. Like I would know, I had three older sisters so I knew everything.
Andrea, did you have a bag or lunch pail?
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: I started off with a snow white pink lunch pail and then I went to brown bags. I matured. This was just last month.
GUTFELD: Eric, did you have Ted Nugget live free or die, had holster?
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: I had a brown paper, not a holster.
GUTFELD: Not a holster. Yes, exactly.
BOLLING: No, I had brown paper bag. But I think if I had a choice at that age, I probably would have had Muppets.
TANTAROS: Really? Which Muppet?
PERINO: Like all of them?
BOLLING: Miss Piggy maybe.
PERINO: You're lying.
BOLLING: I'm lying.
GUTFELD: Bob, all this falls under the Department of Agriculture, isn't it time we just get rid of that department? Come on. They're going after people's sandwiches?
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: It's terrible.
GUTFELD: Giving them nuggets.
BECKEL: I used to make breakfast for my brother and sister and me and it was horrible.
PERINO: Do you make scrabble?
BECKEL: No. They finally had forced food in school. We had to eat every Friday because we're Catholics, in public school, in public school, we had to eat fish sticks, World War II frozen fish sticks. That's why I never eat fish because of that.
GUTFELD: I don't eat fish because of -- well, that, and other reasons but fish sticks.
BECKEL: Fish sticks, horrible.