Newsflash: Summer is hot

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," July 9, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: The worst thing about July? It's hot. Just like last year, it's summer and it stinks.

But it's gotten worse as wags link heat waves and fires to global warming. So, the media reports on thousands of broken temperature records, they ignore what the meteorologist Joe Bastardi points out, that half the U.S. had above normal temperatures in June, while the other half was below normal.

As for manmade CO2 causing high temperatures, data shows that the average temperature of the Earth between 900 and 1300 A.D. was two degrees warmer. There were no SUVs back then.

As for wildfires, weather writer Harold Ambler notes that according to the U.S. Forest Service in the 1930s, the U.S. saw average of 39 million-acres burned each year -- in average. In the past 12 years, it's been 7 million on average. We are getting better at firefighting for sure, but that can't be all of it.

So, what's the deal behind this zeal?

Well, the West has been more successful than the rest of the world so we must be guilty of something. Typically, the most strident believers come from the West itself. The left will never forgive us for winning. What better way to convict us than to demonstrate we murdered Mother Earth itself, especially when such outrage gets you a seat at the next Obama Hollywood fundraiser.

Me? I deal with the heat sensibly: A bathtub full of ice and "50 Shades of Grey" on audio. Eric freezes the grapes for me.

(LAUGHTER)

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Does he peel them, too?

GUTFELD: Yes, he peels them.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Did you say, freezes "his" grapes for me?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You are disgusting. Taking a clean thing -- you ruined it.

BOLLING: Can I point something out? They figured out the Earth is increasing in temperature about 1.4 degrees every 100 years. But if you apply it to the national debt, the national debt is increasing 67,000 times faster than the Earth is warming.

So, why don't they start working on the debt instead of global warming?

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: You knew he was going to talk about --

GUTFELD: How did you work that back in? That is almost genius. Does anybody else want to talk about this?

(CROSSTALK)

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: I have a question, teacher.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Teacher, teacher, me, me, me. So, is this like -- are you a denier? No global warming?

GUTFELD: No, no, I read both sides. I spent a lot of time. In fact, I hate this topic, because in order to write about it, you have to read about it and it's such a pain. But you are obligated because if you don't then people ask questions and you don't have answers.

PERINO: Most people who write about it don't read about --

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PERINO: They just write and it becomes like the headline is very salacious. I would say one thing on the forest fire piece, which is that over time, environmentalists have locked up a lot of the logging and brush clearing and that has fueled a lot of the fires. That's one of the problems.

GUTFELD: All right. Bigger story, at least from Kimberly's perspective, just a week since Katie Holmes announced to file for divorce from Tom Cruise, the couple has settled.

So our national nightmare is over, Kimberly. I know this was keeping you up at night. No real details on what happened here. So, we can assume Katie had a lot on Tom. Am I right?

GUILFOYLE: Well, I think what happened was, realistically, maybe that is true. They had prenuptial agreement, and I think they came to settlement that was quite favorable for Katie and so they had it worked out. What celebrity couples do is they work it out with attorney. They make the announcement that they are splitting once the details are finalized, if they can manage it that way. And they have here.

GUTFELD: She left him and scared a heck out of him. That's what happened. She scared him because she left. And he was like I don't have control over her anymore.

GUILFOYLE: Were you following them on your bicycle so that is how you know all these details?

GUTFELD: I'm very involved with what's going on.

BOLLING: Or, you know, the Church of Scientology may not like the divorce or may not like it public. So, they maybe they put a little pressure --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Let's just make this all go away.

BOLLING: The fastest way to make something go away fast or easiest way, throw a lot more money, bingo.

GUILFOYLE: Cash. Payola.

GUTFELD: Juan, you were talking in the break over how heartbroken you were over this whole event.

WILLIAMS: Is that right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: I missed that. But I'm glad to talk about it. First of all, this is so ridiculous. But let me ask you, what does Katie Holmes do?

GUTFELD: She's a delightful actress.

WILLIAMS: She's really good. Oh, she's successful?

GUILFOYLE: She was in "Dawson Creek." She was in one of the Batman movies.

GUTFELD: She was an underrated film called "Go" with Timothy Olyphant -- your little crush.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: One of them.

GUTFELD: I'm sure he's not cheap, right, Dana?

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: In other words, she's no Tom Cruise.

GUTFELD: That's your point, though. She doesn't want to be Mrs. Tom Cruise anymore. She wants to be Katie Holmes. By the way, Tom Cruise is free, Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: Oh my goodness.

GUTFELD: I think you could --

PERINO: No, I think he comes with quite a price.

WILLIAMS: Good one.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I think K.G. could tame him. Put him in the K.G. cage.

GUILFOYLE: You think so?

GUTFELD: Yes, I know so. I don't know what I'm talking about.

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