This is a rush transcript from "The Five," November 16, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, right now, we're seeing Republicans bicker over why they lost the election and others now fret over this disarray. Not me, I never confused debate with fractionalism. That's what libs do, who always confused lockstep with unity.
The goal is to pick apart the message, but most Americans agree with that. So what? Polls show this. We live in a country that dislikes leftism.
But why did we lose? The desire to be cool. Everything done it like these days springs from a fear of dorkiness. I call this dork-aphobia, and every time you use the term, I get a back massage from Eric.
This is why he got elected Obama is cool and the other guy wasn't, an assumption pushed by the media and embrace by those who only look to politics once every four years, i.e., cooked up celebs.
If only there were an easier way to choose a candidate.
(VIDEO CLIP PLAYS)
GUTFELD: That was done in Canada.
So the job of conservatism is to reverse the duopoly, make it cool to reject intrusive argument and uncool to embrace dependency. Most important, we need to point out how dorky it is to be a country divided by race and gender. It's so 2008.
So, the victory last week is wakeup call for the uncool. It's time for new blood and the message is great, we just need a new messenger. In the meantime, the cool kids are behind the steering wheel. Sadly, we're all in the passenger seat, but we've got two years to find another driver.
So, ladies and gents, start your engines.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: What does that have to do with the snakes?
GUTFELD: Well, you know what? Kimberly was complaining about that, but that's her average Saturday night.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: What? It's snakes wrap around my legs --
BECKEL: Seriously, what's the connection with the snakes and that --
GUTFELD: I just like the video.
BECKEL: Oh, OK. You put it in there just to be gratuitous.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly it's a new game show --
GUILFOYLE: Oh, good word, Bob.
GUTFELD: -- called "Killer Karaoke", hosted by Stevo from "Jackass."
GUILFOYLE: Which is appropriate.
GUTFELD: The goal of the game show is to try to continue singing while they do horrible things to you. I think we even have tape of a man, I think got balloons and running through an area of cactus, do we have that video?
(VIDEO CLIP PLAYS)
GUTFELD: They always have snakes.
Eric, you said in the green room this should be the path to citizenship.
GUTFELD: Say you're joking.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: I was kidding.
How do you win?
GUTFELD: You win if you continue singing.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Even badly?
GUTFELD: Even badly, as long as you don't --
BECKEL: Is this a joke or people actually watch that crap?
GUTFELD: It's on truTV, I'm not kidding.
GUILFOYLE: I used to be on Court TV, watch it. They changed the name to truTV.
PERINO: Can you imagine if, if some of our competitors around the world like the Chinese are watching this, thinking America is surely in decline?
GUTFELD: No, no, no.
PERINO: What we make people do.
GUILFOYLE: They thought that.
GUTFELD: The Japanese -- if you've ever seen a Japanese game show, they are insane. That makes this look like "To Tell the Truth".
BECKEL: You know, our chief producer of the sow went through one of these things. He went underneath electrical fires and climbed up mud walls.
PERINO: It's mudder.
BECKEL: And went through fire and it's no wonder he's lost his mind. He's from Oklahoma.
PERINO: This is a modern version of one of my favorite shows of my kid, "The Gong Show."
GUTFELD: That was great.
PERINO: This is a modern version of that.
BECKEL: But "The Gong Show," it wasn't like this.
PERINO: No, but "The Gong Show" --
GUILFOYLE: It was nice and fun.
GUTFELD: No, but the point was --
PERINO: And if you were really bad, then you got gonged and you were off.
GUILFOYLE: We need a gong here.
BECKEL: Who's that directed act, Kimberly? No. But you know what? We live in the time when people like to watch people humiliated and there are people that are willing to be humiliated --
BOLLING: To be on TV.
GUTFELD: Yes, to be on TV.
PERINO: Bob, you think anything about that?
BECKEL: I think that's right. This is the equivalent of the snake pit.
GUTFELD: We don't make you sing.
BECKEL: This show surrounds me with snakes on a cage.
PERINO: And I have three words.
PERINO: Dork-aphobia, dork-aphobia, dork-aphobia. So, can we get the massage now?
GUTFELD: Yes. Eric, please?
PERINO: If I said dork-aphobia you had to give him a massage.
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