Greg Gutfeld's advice for grads: Get a job

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," May 10, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, commencement addresses are coming and nobody has asked me yet. But that's not going to stop from doing one here.

Actually, I'm not really commencing, I'm deprogramming. After all, it's all about unlearning all that crud you accrued in college. Remember all those classes you took on symbolism, gender oppression, patriarchy and deconstructionism? Forget them.

Liberal arts are no help out here. Academia sent you to do battle with a silly straw not a sword. And though most speakers praise college while condemning the rat race, the opposite is the case, that the rat race is where you start at zero and you flourish.

So, leave those zeros and the faculty lounge behind. They didn't have the guts to leave. Here's the key: You'll never achieve anything celebrating who you are. Self-involvement makes your failures hurt more. Stop thinking about yourself and failures become constructive without being debilitating.

The fear of trying is replaced with thirst for opportunity. So, forget who you are and focus on what to do. And what's that? Work. Any work.

There is dignity in all work except for porn or Media Matters. But get a job, any job. Never put reward before effort. Video games, booze, vacation, more booze. Those are the carrots not the sticks.

Always get up when you wake up and avoid those who don't.

Lastly, ditch social networks. The last thing you need is a nude photo landing on a desk before a job interview. That's why Bob never got a call back from the musical "Cats."

It's true. You could have been a Broadway star, Bob.

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: I could have.

GUTFELD: But that movie you made in Germany killed your chances.

BECKEL: But it's gone viral.

GUTFELD: Well, a lot of things went viral after that, Bob. Population of Berlin was viral.

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: John Travolta loved it.

BECKEL: I bet he did.

First of all, some of what you said makes sense. Good stuff is going to happen to you. I will use another word. But I won't. Bad stuff going to happen. Just roll it with. It will go away.

Now, it's going to be harder to get sex once you're out of college. I want you to know that.

You want to be a lawyer? No. That's boring.

You want to be a doctor? No. It's too disgusting.

So, what you really want to do is try to be a professional poker player in Vegas.

(LAUGHTER)

BECKEL: Or if you want to start your own business. You go to Thailand (ph) and starts a strip bar and you make a fortune.

GUTFELD: You should be doing the commencement address at Harvard.

BECKEL: I did the commencement at a prison once, I really did.

TANTAROS: That was better than Rodney Dangerfield.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I wouldn't have taken any advice.

Andrea, what advice if you're doing a commencement address, right now, what would you say?

TANTAROS: I would say you never stop paying your dues. I feel like we were fed so much positive, you are ready to go. You're not ready to go. They tell you, you're ready. You're so not ready.

And another thing because the kids -- you know, their egos are blown up. They don't tell them life and success is much sweeter when you're self-made. And I think that's really true. I mean, they'll tell you women, you're not going to get out, you're not going to make as much money as men. It's going to be unfair playing field, gender studies. Ladies, that's not true.

GUTFELD: Those are the good old days.

BECKEL: What you ought to do is go become a Greek waitress at a Greek restaurant.

TANTAROS: Don't do that.

GUTFELD: Eric?

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: A lot of people come up to me and say you did very well in Wall Street. Should I go into that? I want to get in trading and corporate world, the Wall Street world. That is not where the power is anymore. The money and power used to be on Wall Street down there. It's shifted to Washington, D.C.

So, my only advice would be, if you're into that sort of thing, the money and the power, head to D.C.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Become a lobbyist.

BOLLING: Lobbyist. I'm not kidding.

PERINO: No, no, no commencement speaker across the country says that, but it's a good point.

GUTFELD: What about you, Dana?

PERINO: I thought of a couple, which is you see the same people on the way up on the way down. You better be nice to everybody. It doesn't cost you a cent.

Also, you don't have a right to worry about the work-life balance. Not until your mid-30s. You don't have a life for a reason. You are supposed at this thing.

BECKEL: And don't get married before you're 35.

TANTAROS: You said don't get married at all.

BECKEL: Well, that's for me. I did. I would say it's a tough institution. Fine. If you want to do it at 21, you'll be divorced at 24.

BOLLING: I would be hard to be married and have that a strip club in, where, Indonesia?

BECKEL: No, Thailand.

PERINO: Would you send taxes back to America to repatriate your money?

BECKEL: I certainly would.

GUTFELD: Well, that's great advice.

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