The death benefits fiasco is outrage in a bottle, the evil that seems Lex Luthor than legislative. A government that refuses to pay death benefits to men who died for their country is like a Republican flat point in an Oliver Stone fever dream. What's next, drowning orphans to save on laundry?

You can blame the left or right, but that misses the point, which is how evil presents itself. It's rarely hair raising or shocking. It's big, it's boring, it's bland, indiscriminate government. For big government to work, you must be subservient to the slab. It's the one-size-fits-all that socialists extol as they avert their gaze from the horror's rot.

When big government moves, it does so slowly but surely, rolling over those that cannot suppose because it's not supposed to see them.

A small, agile government would handle death benefits, for it understands priorities. You don't fund NPR while a widow weeps. You don't pay federal inmates while a widow weeps. You don't complain about reusing gym towels while a widow weeps. You don't set up barricades to block the views of monuments while a widow weeps.

You don't do anything while a widow weeps, except deal with the widow.

Any essential employee in any private company could tell you that. But the government is public, as the shutdown exposes the underbelly of unlimited bureaucracy. It's the triumph of the nonessential over the essential.

If we've learned anything from this slimdown, this may be the first non- essential administration ever. I'd say furlough all of them, but what they do in their free time might be worse. 

A middle school in Port Washington, New York, has banned footballs, baseballs and soccer balls -- those things, in case you don't know what they are. Plus, stuff like tag and cartwheels will be under teacher supervision from now on.

Said a superintendent, quote, "Some of these injuries can unintentionally become very serious, so we want to make sure our children have fun but are also protected."

I agree. I think all brats should be cocooned in bubble wrap, then inserted into an egg-shaped polyurethane container where soy milk can be fed through a plastic straw. Then, when they turn 18 we can hatch them like baby chicks and eat them, because that's all they'll be good for.

In medicine, there's this thing called the hygiene hypothesis -- that's a lack of childhood exposure to infectious stuff that boosts disease risk later. It's why some docs think playing in dirt is good for it helps build immunity. That's why I don't bathe.

I don't know if this is true with bacteria, but I'm thinking it's true for spines. Absurd efforts to shield kids from perceived risks like bruises or bullies creates weak adults, the kind who describe jokes as hurtful and words as insensitive -- insensitive meaning they become leftists.

Understanding risk is the only way to navigate it. And while head injuries are nothing to laugh at, it's the fragile mentality of the sheltered that's a joke.

The only thing worse than a crying child is a whining adult, and that's the one area I know we're beating China in.

So the lawyer for the Boston bomber is asking the judge to lift harsh restrictions placed on the tousled-haired terrorist.

The primary complaint: very limited access to the outdoors. Apparently the little wuss is confined to a cell, except for legal visits with limited access to a small outdoor area, i.e., like every other young schmuck currently living in New York City.

But I agree, just because you're accused of blowing up innocent people shouldn't mean you can't have a little sunshine in your life. But as you know, with freedom comes vulnerability. A vulnerability all citizens have are saddled with in noted democracies, and especially like events like the Boston marathon. And it's this vulnerability that is used to the advantage of terrorists.

So, I agree that as a U.S. citizen, the Boston bomber should enjoy the same free freedoms as we do, meaning fresh air and scenery, but with the same liabilities. For an old revolutionary once said: "Those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve either one."

So, I say let him out, a field trip perhaps to the graves of his victims or to the classroom where the youngest victim once sat. I will spring for the bus fair. Go Greyhound and, please leave the driving to us.

Gre

New York has seen its share of sordid crime.

In Union Square, Jeffrey Babbitt was killed by one bad man's punch.

A creep named David Albert Mitchell raped and robbed a 70-year-old woman in
Central Park, slamming her head into the ground. He had raped before.

A young student named Maya Leggat was pushed in front of a subway train by a ghoul. She nearly died.

And on Tuesday, a man armed with scissors in Riverside Park stabbed five people.

So let's review the objects weaponized for mayhem: a fist, a sidewalk, a train, a pair of scissors. Apparently it's the intent of the person that matters, not the object in hand. The commonality isn't firearms, it's themes.

Now, notice I did not say mentally ill. Often the phrase "mentally ill" is used as a catch-all for a media that can't admit that evil exists. And all these attackers were homeless, which usually engenders sympathy from the press, but they were bad men, angry at the world and they didn't hide it.

And so we let evil turn public life into an anti-lotto: They choose their targets freely; the winners are announced on the news.

But we get it, bad men exist. But how bad must you be to get locked up? What's it really take? Well, sell some pot and in you go. This year, the police arrested more people for pot than for all violent crimes combined. Every time a cop arrests a punk for drugs, that's half his day not spent nailing real vermin. It's about wasted resources being wasted on the wasted. You'd be high not to see how wrong this is.

Welcome to the world of dueling apocalypses. With the government shutdown and arrival of ObamaCare, it's like forcing your eyes to watch two different disaster movies at once. One, though, is just a commotion, the other is a calamity.

What's the goal of the shutdown? To force Obama to cop to two things: You granted delays to the powerful, not to the weak, putting off the employer mandate, but not the individual. It's like telling passengers to board a boat, but the crew is taking a sturdier craft. It's a little creepy.

And weren't our leaders supposed to receive the same health care as the rest of us? Not anymore. That provision got stripped out.

So, go ahead and blame the right all you want. But with Obama, the law has been changed more times than a baby with Montezuma's Revenge.

But the real disaster is ObamaCare. The president dismisses it all as just glitches, but a glitch is just a problem that happens to someone else. It's what a customer service rep says when it's your service that goes out during the Super Bowl, not theirs. A glitch is your problem.

Right now, signing up for ObamaCare is so glitch-ridden, success is met with surprise. Registering for it is like buying a ticket for the Hindenburg as the fiery egg tilts downward.

But Obama is lucky the focus is on the shutdown and not this sham, for he created an industry now that exists above and beyond the confines of competition. To paraphrase an astronaut, ObamaCare isn't just one small step for socialism, it's a giant leap for misery.

So, new research shows people dislike green causes because they dislike environmentalists. Their extreme views are turnoffs apparently.

Case in point, on Twitter, meteorologist Eric Ulthaus (ph) said he's never flying again. He tweeted that he, quote, "broke down in tears after reading the U.N. climate report", and tweeted, "No more air travel" before actually boarding a plane -- which makes me think his in-laws are not in driving distance and the in-laws are really pleased. The guy's a kook.

Someone should tell him planes are better than driving as their nitrous oxide causes cooling by ridding (ph) methane in the air. But hey, he says he's the expert in what, beta male sniveling? Seriously, is there anyone who can verify seeing this dweeb crying at SFO?

I'm calling B.S. on this drama queen. This is what dooms environmentalism

-- dishonest hysterics who put drama before data. When hysterics talk of getting vasectomy to save earth, I say, please do because you're crooked.

The U.N. report was in chaos after experts pondered hiding the news that the earth hadn't, hadn't warmed in 15 years, despite an increase in emissions. They concluded that the missing heat was trapped in the ocean.

It's like blaming gas on the dog if the ocean was your dog.

The real issue, the cover-up. Leaked documents obtained by "The A.P." show that the U.S. government tried to get scientists to downplay this lack of global warning.

So, who is anti-science now? Who is the flat earther? If only President Obama had taken science classes instead of bong hits.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MADONNA, SINGER: Economic markets are collapsing. People all over the world are suffering and people are afraid. What happens when people are afraid? They become intolerant.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Because no one asked for it, Madge offers a 17-minute film dedicated to anyone who suffered from persecution. And if you have to ask why, then you'll never understand the mind of a faded pop star.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MADONNA: I keep telling everyone that I want to start a revolution, but no one is taking me seriously. If I had black skin and an afro, would you take me seriously? If I was an Arab waving a hand grenade, would you take me seriously?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Somebody get that poor man some medicine.

So, unlike those who fight truly intolerant things -- like terrorism throughout the world -- she's really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil. But she does it her way: a pseudo-artsy film featuring dribble culled from a goth chatroom, it's so bad it's bad. Look:

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MADONNA: We live in a very scary time. Or should I say we don't live at all.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Oh, the suffering.

Look, I'm glad she cares. She cares so much that she makes root for not caring. And she trivializes suffering by making it about her, which is nothing new. It's how the cool contaminate real concern. To them, the world's a Denny's buffet of suffering, one they load up on when they're hungry for attention.

And they go back for seconds and thirds and fourths on tolerance. Tolerance, but never terrorism: Tolerance is the jumbo shrimp and terrorism is the coleslaw. No one ever touches the coleslaw.

If she really worries about victims of prosecution, then really she should worry about all of us who must endure that film. In her world, we are the tortured and she the torturer. It really makes me miss those pointy bras. I own them.