The death benefits fiasco is outrage in a bottle, the evil that seems Lex Luthor than legislative. A government that refuses to pay death benefits to men who died for their country is like a Republican flat point in an Oliver Stone fever dream. What's next, drowning orphans to save on laundry?

You can blame the left or right, but that misses the point, which is how evil presents itself. It's rarely hair raising or shocking. It's big, it's boring, it's bland, indiscriminate government. For big government to work, you must be subservient to the slab. It's the one-size-fits-all that socialists extol as they avert their gaze from the horror's rot.

When big government moves, it does so slowly but surely, rolling over those that cannot suppose because it's not supposed to see them.

A small, agile government would handle death benefits, for it understands priorities. You don't fund NPR while a widow weeps. You don't pay federal inmates while a widow weeps. You don't complain about reusing gym towels while a widow weeps. You don't set up barricades to block the views of monuments while a widow weeps.

You don't do anything while a widow weeps, except deal with the widow.

Any essential employee in any private company could tell you that. But the government is public, as the shutdown exposes the underbelly of unlimited bureaucracy. It's the triumph of the nonessential over the essential.

If we've learned anything from this slimdown, this may be the first non- essential administration ever. I'd say furlough all of them, but what they do in their free time might be worse. 

A middle school in Port Washington, New York, has banned footballs, baseballs and soccer balls -- those things, in case you don't know what they are. Plus, stuff like tag and cartwheels will be under teacher supervision from now on.

Said a superintendent, quote, "Some of these injuries can unintentionally become very serious, so we want to make sure our children have fun but are also protected."

I agree. I think all brats should be cocooned in bubble wrap, then inserted into an egg-shaped polyurethane container where soy milk can be fed through a plastic straw. Then, when they turn 18 we can hatch them like baby chicks and eat them, because that's all they'll be good for.

In medicine, there's this thing called the hygiene hypothesis -- that's a lack of childhood exposure to infectious stuff that boosts disease risk later. It's why some docs think playing in dirt is good for it helps build immunity. That's why I don't bathe.

I don't know if this is true with bacteria, but I'm thinking it's true for spines. Absurd efforts to shield kids from perceived risks like bruises or bullies creates weak adults, the kind who describe jokes as hurtful and words as insensitive -- insensitive meaning they become leftists.

Understanding risk is the only way to navigate it. And while head injuries are nothing to laugh at, it's the fragile mentality of the sheltered that's a joke.

The only thing worse than a crying child is a whining adult, and that's the one area I know we're beating China in.

The Five gets on the train for a trip to DC - to honor Bob's Caron Alumni Award for sobriety.

The Five will be in DC tomorrow - celebrating Bob who will be accepting the Caron Alumni Award. Congrats Bob!

So the lawyer for the Boston bomber is asking the judge to lift harsh restrictions placed on the tousled-haired terrorist.

The primary complaint: very limited access to the outdoors. Apparently the little wuss is confined to a cell, except for legal visits with limited access to a small outdoor area, i.e., like every other young schmuck currently living in New York City.

But I agree, just because you're accused of blowing up innocent people shouldn't mean you can't have a little sunshine in your life. But as you know, with freedom comes vulnerability. A vulnerability all citizens have are saddled with in noted democracies, and especially like events like the Boston marathon. And it's this vulnerability that is used to the advantage of terrorists.

So, I agree that as a U.S. citizen, the Boston bomber should enjoy the same free freedoms as we do, meaning fresh air and scenery, but with the same liabilities. For an old revolutionary once said: "Those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve either one."

So, I say let him out, a field trip perhaps to the graves of his victims or to the classroom where the youngest victim once sat. I will spring for the bus fair. Go Greyhound and, please leave the driving to us.

Gre

New York has seen its share of sordid crime.

In Union Square, Jeffrey Babbitt was killed by one bad man's punch.

A creep named David Albert Mitchell raped and robbed a 70-year-old woman in
Central Park, slamming her head into the ground. He had raped before.

A young student named Maya Leggat was pushed in front of a subway train by a ghoul. She nearly died.

And on Tuesday, a man armed with scissors in Riverside Park stabbed five people.

So let's review the objects weaponized for mayhem: a fist, a sidewalk, a train, a pair of scissors. Apparently it's the intent of the person that matters, not the object in hand. The commonality isn't firearms, it's themes.

Now, notice I did not say mentally ill. Often the phrase "mentally ill" is used as a catch-all for a media that can't admit that evil exists. And all these attackers were homeless, which usually engenders sympathy from the press, but they were bad men, angry at the world and they didn't hide it.

And so we let evil turn public life into an anti-lotto: They choose their targets freely; the winners are announced on the news.

But we get it, bad men exist. But how bad must you be to get locked up? What's it really take? Well, sell some pot and in you go. This year, the police arrested more people for pot than for all violent crimes combined. Every time a cop arrests a punk for drugs, that's half his day not spent nailing real vermin. It's about wasted resources being wasted on the wasted. You'd be high not to see how wrong this is.