My 10th book will come out this fall just after the elections and it's gonna be an autobiography in which I will reveal things I've never discussed. I'm gonna talk about my days in combat in Vietnam, now that's something I've just never done before. I'll also disclose for the first time how I was asked to have a lead role in a Hollywood movie playing opposite Diane Lane and Jack Nicholson, but I turned it down because I thought the content was - well frankly, it was something I was not comfortable with. I'm also going to detailing some of the details of my direct ancestral links to John Adams, which I recently discovered in an exhaustive genealogical search.
Now, for the most important admission of all. Everything I just told you is untrue, well except that I really do plan to have a book that's going to come out in November. But all that other stuff? Pure fabrication. I was too young for Vietnam; and my acting was limited to stuff in high school and college; and as for ancestry, heck my own Dad advised me, "Don't to look too far up the family tree. Son, there's stuff up there you ought not to see." But the reason I said that is because I'm practicing being a Democrat just to see if the press would treat me differently. I'm pretty sure they would.
This week, we found out that Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren applied for her Harvard job as a minority. She claims that her great, great, great grandmother had some Cherokee blood and that would make her a 1/32 Cherokee. She thought she was a minority from 1986 until 1995, when she mysteriously stopped claiming it, but by then she had the Harvard job and was touted as the "first Native American tenured faculty member" at Harvard.
Remember when Richard Blumenthal talked about his combat experience during his Connecticut Senate race, only to find out that neither he nor the Army could actually find any record of it? Must have been a real secret mission.
But the mother of all whoppers turned out to be from President Obama's autobiography "Dreams from My Father," in which he gave great detail to his white girlfriend from New York and how she and her family influenced him.
Reporters have been looking for her for years, but this week, President Obama admitted to biographer David Maraniss that she really didn't exist; there really wasn't one person, she was a "composite" -- that's right, a composite of several girls that he had dated and he had just conjured her up and made up all the details.
I know for darn sure I couldn't get away with that, so I've been thinking about becoming a Democrat. It seems to be easier than telling the truth or having to disclose anything other than the really great things that I can just imagine. In fact, a young entrepreneur this week has offered $10,000 for anyone who can produce Barak Obama's college records because nobody has ever seen them. We don't know what courses he took, what his grades were, we don't know how he paid for his education. And wouldn't you know that when the mainstream press heard about his offer, they launched their own investigation---not to find out about the President's academic records. Heck no! But to investigate the young man who offered a prize for someone who could find out some pretty basic information about the President of the United States.
So next time some goon from Media Matters or the New York Times thinks they have found some factual error in something I say, I'm just going to say, "I'm just being a Democrat today. And the facts don't matter."