It’s happened to all of us: We go home for the holidays only to spend it butting heads with family members, a boyfriend, or your best childhood friends. Or maybe you asked your boss for extra time off and he or she rebuffed your request, only to let a colleague have the time.
Whatever the case may be, holiday spats are common occurrences — some larger and more longstanding than others — but there comes a time when we have to ask ourselves whether it’s important for our emotional well-being to learn to deal with people who are constants in our lives, even those that are a pain to get along with.
“We like to feel our relationships are resolved because it helps us feel as if we’re not stuck in the emotionally unknown,” said Dr. Robi Ludwig, a nationally-recognized psychotherapist and author who’s a frequent guest on the “Today” show, CNN, and Fox News.
We enlisted Dr. Ludwig to help you (and us!) figure out how to deal with three key types of people in your life — and when to cut ties for good.
A Family Member
It’s a grim reality that not every person is destined to have a flawless, sunny relationship with their mother, father, grandparent, or sibling. Sometimes the difficulties are minute — nitpicking, differing opinions on fairly inconsequential things — but sometimes they’re much, much larger and can be detrimental to your well-being.
However, if you feel that cutting the person in question out of your life completely is a drastic measure you’re not prepared to take, Dr. Ludwig suggests being totally honest with yourself and accepting that the family member has limitations.
“Sometimes accepting the limitations of a family member can be tremendously freeing. If you have a mother — or any family member, for that matter — who has a limitation, it’s best to accept what it is and find a way to let go of the fantasy of who you wish them to be,” she said. “Family members can be emotionally toxic. Figure out who this person is and who they are not, and then proceed in a way which feels healthy for you. A challenging yet important task!”
A Significant Other
We’ve all had blowout fights with a romantic partner, but often we find ourselves in a viscous cycle of fighting then making up. So, how do we know when the fighting is healthy and when it’s harmful?
“If the fighting is mean-spirited and the type that devalues who you are as a person, you definitely want to rethink this type of relationship,” said Dr. Ludwig. “If the fighting is about little things, then maybe it’s just a matter of developing better communication and coping skills,” she said.
Dr. Ludwig also pointed out that not all fighting is bad for a relationship, and that some arguing is inevitable. The trick is figuring out how much time is spent in the trenches. ”Everyone wants their voice to be heard, but if the relationship is mostly fighting, what’s the point?”
A Boss or Colleague
“If a person at work is constantly fighting with everyone, in some ways it’s a good thing, because you won’t be alone in your observations,” Dr. Ludwig said, adding that all you can do is remind yourself that it’s clearly nothing personal and more of a reflection of what’s going on with them.
However, if the difficult person is your boss, she suggests putting in the effort to figure out what they need from you in order to make their job easier, which could ease tension. “This kind of strategy can really turn everything around,” Dr. Ludwig said.
Don’t be afraid to schedule some time with your boss and ask if he or she is unhappy with your performance or your attitude. You might not be thrilled with the response, but at least you’ll know why you seem to be butting heads, and can make strides to figure out ways to make things better.