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REAL ESTATE

Tackiest Lawn Decor Ever, From Stripper Gnomes to Randy Turtles

  • strippergnome-614x1024-13f94d6691d74510VgnVCM200000d6c1a8c0____

    Workin' for lawn clippings

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    Click to see what this turtle is doing... if you dare.

  • bulldogdownspout-1024x1024-13f94d6691d74510VgnVCM200000d6c1a8c0____

    There's something a bit disturbing about this.

  • garden-gnome-13f94d6691d74510VgnVCM200000d6c1a8c0____

    garden gnome

  • shrinkage-13f94d6691d74510VgnVCM200000d6c1a8c0____

    It's the water, folks. Nothing to see here.

What's the best way to spruce up your yard? A splash of azaleas perhaps, or a touch of stone? Or how about a gnome on a stripper pole or an homage to the male phenomenon known as "shrinkage"? That'll certainly get your neighbors' attention!

But maybe not the good kind of attention.

There are likely a variety of reasons why homeowners would opt to give precious yard space over to any of these prime examples of preternaturally tacky lawn decor: a desire to show off creativity, maybe, or a burning need to color outside the lines, or even just an outlet for a strange sense of humor. But caveat emptor!

Regardless of your reasoning, you may want to think twice before devoting some primary outdoor display territory to a statue of sexually adventurous turtles. Because there's a good chance that your neighbors, family, and fellow book club members won't be quite as delighted. Here's our hit parade of some of the planet's most dubious decor, alfresco version.

Michelangelo's David -- the fattened-up version

The famous Renaissance statue in Italy is a masterpiece, but this corpulent version? Not so much. We're not sure why they decided to fatten up this iconic figure -- unless it's to make a statement about what David might look like had he been born in the era of Krispy Kreme. Nonetheless, it can be yours for $138 at Amazon.

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A gigantic alien

Speaking of bigger, how about this giant alien statue? What better way to call out the Roswell cover-up than putting this (life-size?) 5-foot-tall, 26-pound alien statue in your front yard? It's a real conspiratorial conversation starter -- and it's only $740 on Amazon.

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Strippin' in the garden

Garden gnomes aren't always tending your lawn (it's a pretty low-paying gig). So when some of them need to make rent, apparently they head over to work at different pastures -- such as working the pole to entertain the male worker gnomes with some eye candy. Available for $19 on Amazon.

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Butch the bulldog

In theory, this should work. It's just a decorative downspout in the shape of a dog. Yet there's something a little awkward about stuffing a gutter into Butch the bulldog's butt. His expression says it all. Available at Amazon for $31.

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The cabbage head

As if it weren't bad enough to see those hideous Cabbage Patch Kids dolls in countless childhood photos from the '80s, someone apparently decided you might want this monstrosity every day in your yard. Watching. Waiting to sprout. This one seems to be a one-of-a-kind item, snapped by Flickr user Richard Elzey.

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Happy turtles

It's always hump day with these torrid turtles. Meticulously designed to fornicate in your garden, this couple is a hot commodity. (If you want to see the whole thing, click on the link below.) We're not quite sure what's more disturbing: the creepy look on the creatures' faces or the base inscribed with "Faster Faster" (a real challenge for turtles, after all). This product has been discontinued by the manufacturer, so if you want to get one, take some advice from the bottom turtle and get speedy. Get it for $13 on Amazon.

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For small laughs

From Etsy comes this odd yard sign that notifies visitors about certain biological functions that occur at low temperatures to certain body parts, and which may prove unbecoming if noticed by other people.

We have no idea why you'd want this in your lawn, but if you have the desire to get tacky, they're available from Etsy for $20. Not sure what kind of shrinkage they're talking about? Check out this classic "Seinfeld" clip.

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