If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a galaxy to erase the childhood memories of creepy burger-slinging clowns and sketchy chip-peddling cheetahs. Anyone with a television set over the past 50 years has fond, and somewhat disturbing, memories of mascots gone-by. Well, in an effort to erase years of therapy, we’ve revived what we consider to be the creepiest mascots of all time. Without further ado, here’s our list of the top 10 mascots who seriously weird us out.
1. California Raisins
In California’s defense, raisins are a hard sell, but turning them into a creepy clay-action rock band is probably the worst way to do it. In this film from the 70’s, the gang sings Stevie Wonder’s classic “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” Through the course of the video, the raisin band throws a rock climbing celery stick from the top of Devil’s Tower, seduces a female pear and holds a Mexican fruit shoot out. Only in California.
2. Colonel Sanders
Ignoring for a minute that there was once a real Colonel Sanders, who created KFC, let’s take a look at his creepy mascot look-alike. The smiling old man with his Civil War era facial hair does not look like he should be anywhere near a kitchen. Although, to the Colonel’s credit, he appears to have a very strong and devoted fan base who post stories about their admiration for him at colonelsanders.com.
As a rule, anything undead is not something you want with your breakfast cereal. Unfortunately, General Mills has a penchant for putting creepy zombie characters on their boxes, most famously Count Chocula. Frankenberry is the exact same color as the cereal he’s touting, which would be fine were it not for the fact that he is supposed to be a dead body that was electrocuted back to life.
4. Ronald McDonald, the early years
Everyone agrees that a burger peddling clown is creepy, did you know Ronald used to be even creepier? The Ronald today has clearly undergone some therapy, quit smoking and had a full wardrobe makeover. This video, circa 1963, is Ronald’s introduction. He greets kids dressed in a jerry-rigged clown suit that falls off as he talks. He also appears to go cross-eyed with excitement as he describes how much he loves burgers and shakes. If you weren’t creeped out by Ronald before, this video should do the trick.
5. Chester Cheetah
Chester definitely sold illegal substances before he cleaned himself up and took to peddling Cheetos. He talks like he’s about to hustle you out of all your savings, maybe sell you a knock-off watch from the inside of his trench coat. Although, he seems to have some swagger with the ladies, so we’ll give him that.
6. Jack in the Box
Forget the Hamburglar, Jack is clearly the real criminal. He looks like he just came from planning a bank heist in some secret lair, before finally throwing on his giant round head and busting up a joint, guns blazing.
7. Randy Savage
Yes. We know. He’s a real person. But watching Macho Man Randy Savage sell Slim Jims is one of the creepiest experiences ever. He appears out of the ceiling with a huge explosion, decked out in full Macho Man regalia and terrifies everyone into “snapping into a Slim Jim.”
8. Twizzlers Mouth
Long before the Dairy Queen Lips turned a creepy mouth into a trademark, Twizzlers used the same tactic with a disembodied smile. In this ad the mouth laughs and snacks on Twizzlers while circus music plays in the background.
9. Domino’s Pizza Noid
The poor little Noid is a long-eared, buck-toothed space creature in a red jumpsuit. His goal is to eat pizza, but he can never quite get it. In this ad, the Claymation Noid tries desperately to try a slice, but ends up squished into a flat piece of space putty.
10. Big Fig
Fig Newtons are an inherently creepy snack, what with them being figs and all, but dressing a full grown man in a fig suit and making him dance just really crosses the line. Here is a video of Big Fig doing what he does best, being creepy.