Published April 05, 2013
No need to alert animal rights groups, Redneck turtle burgers are not made from turtles. So relax. Instead, turtle burgers are crafted from the three greatest meats known to man, ground beef, bacon and hot dogs.
Following a video tutorial posted on YouTube, we have come up with the ultimate Redneck recipe for the illusive turtle burger.
We follow our expert chef, a bearded man in a camo trucker hat. Using a step-by step process, he expertly crafts a Redneck turtle burger to the soundtrack of a song called “Spend Your Night in Bars” by a band called Justice of the Unicorns.
Here is how it’s done:
Step One: Mold hamburger meat into patties.
Step Two: Season the beef.
Step Three: Take a shot of cheap whiskey, our chef chose Bushmills.
Step Four: Continue to season the beef patties.
Step Five: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Step Six: Fold the bacon over the seasoned beef patty in a basket weave pattern.
Step Seven: Secure the bacon with toothpicks.
Step Eight: Insert five hot dog ends into the patty. They will serve as the turtle’s head and legs.
Step Nine: Make several small slits at the tip of each “leg” to serve as “fingers.”
Step Ten: Cut a triangle-shaped piece of hot dog and insert it into the patty as a tail.
Step Eleven: Pose awkwardly with your raw meat turtle burger.
Step Twelve: Place the turtle on an oven rack and then place on aluminum pan. Cover turtle loosely with foil dome and bake for 20 to 30 minutes.
Step Thirteen: Remove turtle from oven, let cool briefly and remove toothpicks. Enjoy.
Congratulations, you have successfully made a Redneck turtle burger, the most epic meal you will ever cook. Now go grab another shot of whiskey and dig in.