Last updated : Tuesday, February 16, 2010

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The Dos and Don'ts of Summer Flings

A summer romance sounds tempting, but there’s a reason they’re often referred to as “flings”. Come mid-August when vacations, beach parties and outdoor happy hours dwindle, so may your love connection. Whether you intended to have a fling all along or started to become attached, managing those feelings can get tricky. iMag asked relationship experts Matt Titus and Diana Falzone advice on how to enjoy a summer fling without heading into September an emotional mess.

1. Why do men/women tend to get together in the summer and breakup in the winter?
Diana: I think it's the opposite. More flings happen in the summer months, but more people stay together in the winter due to a nesting mentality. It's cold out, less chance of socializing and meeting other people, so people tend to stick in their relationships even if they are not going well. Summer is the time to mix, mingle, and find someone new.
Matt: Men and women get together in the summer because they are more carefree and more focused on their leisure lives than their work lives. They also know that any romance during the summer has much less of a "commitment tone" because it can be considered a summer fling. Summer flings are much more appealing because they are more physically based than emotionally charged.

2. Are there any benefits to a summer fling?
Diana: If you are healing from a breakup or have had a string of bad dates, a summer fling can renew your sense of romance. You can also gain the ability to let go and let someone into your life and maybe even your heart. Having romantic attention is the best confidence booster and who doesn't love having a crush or infatuation?
Matt: Summer flings are usually carefree. They often have you living in the moment and are very physical relationships that lack emotional depth. They can simultaneously satisfy the need for companionship and sex, like friends-with-benefits, but with slightly more emotional attachment. 

3. What are the negatives of summer flings?
Diana: There is always a chance when your heart gets involved, that you could get hurt. However, you're not really living if you're living in fear.
Matt: Usually one of the people involved in the fling becomes more emotionally attached than the other and is much more susceptible to getting hurt. It also can be painful when it ends because both parties get very accustomed to spending a lot time with each other.

4. How do you prepare yourself to not get attached in the first place?
Diana: It's important to be honest with yourself. Are you really looking for a fling or are you looking for a relationship? If you are unsure, then tread with caution. You don't want to put your time or feelings into someone who is only looking for a summer adventure buddy. Yet, if you too are in it to have fun then don't spend every waking moment together or talk about future plans. Enjoy each other in the moment and if possible, don't have expectations of the person.
Matt: From the beginning, there should be a mutual understanding that the relationship has an expiration date. There should also be an agreement between both parties that getting together will never be expected.

5. How do you separate your fling and your summer?
Diana: It's all about scheduling. Make sure to not make your schedule around this person. Balance is always healthy and much more attractive. Go out with friends and decide on the days of the week you'll spend with your fling.
Matt: You can have multiple flings so your summer isn't defined by the memory of one intense fling.

6. When is a good time (if there is) to start talking about the end of summer?
Diana: Have "the talk" if you really see a potential relationship with this person; make sure you're not caught up in the fun or the idea of the person. Do they have the qualities that make a good boyfriend/girlfriend? If you think so, then be certain to communicate how you feel and ask them if they could see the two of you together. The end of the summer is best as you two will have spent a significant amount of time to gage where it could be going.
Matt: This should be established at the beginning of the fling. If it isn't then one week before the end of the summer one of the participants should remind the other that they only have, "seven more days of commitment-free hook up time." It should be light hearted and kind, like the tone of the fling.

7. How can you reveal to your fling you actually want to continue seeing them?
Diana: People aren't mind readers. Be honest, be up-front and prepare yourself for the worst case scenario so you'll be less disappointed should they not want the same thing.
Matt: Explain to your fling that they have passed the summer fling test and that they are invited to participate in a "fall romance".

8. If you are less attached, how can you nicely explain the relationship was just a summer fling?
Diana: Drop hints over the summer. Tell the person you're not looking for anything serious and don't introduce them to family/close friends. Make sure your actions and words are aligned to avoid confusing them. As long as you are honest, it is perfectly fine to keep things casual.
Matt: Explain that they were a great summer fling partner but you know that you will be an awful fall romance partner because of your responsibilities back home in real life. Further explain that your summer way of living is very different than how you are when you’re not in a relaxed and leisurely state of mind.

9. Should you contact previous summer flings when the summer is over?
Diana: It depends upon how you left it. If you two had a strong friendship, then I see no harm. However, if there were one sided feelings on your behalf or theirs, it is wise to stay away.
Matt: Never ever contact previous summer flings after the summer is over. You can't go back in time and duplicate a past summer romance. The dynamic, romantic setting and the partners’ dispositions are very different than they had been in the summer. It will never work.

10. Have you known any summer flings to develop into successful long-term relationships?
Diana: Personally, I haven't but that doesn't mean it can't happen. It really comes down to timing. If both people are in the place to meet someone significant than a summer fling could translate into a real, long term romance.
Matt: It's seldom.

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