Last updated : Monday, January 11, 2010

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How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce

With roughly 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce in the United States, it is all too common for children to endure all that comes along with families breaking up. Divorce can be scary and sad for all involved, but it can have a particular and lasting effect on children. Therefore, it's important to approach the subject delicately. We spoke with rabbi and psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, who created the widely successful "Sandlecastles Program". He gave his tips on how to inclusively talk to your children to ensure they cope with divorce in a healthy and productive way. 

Be United 
Let your children know with both of you present. Only 25 percent of children are told by both of their parents at the same time. This is a moment they will remember forever, so by both of you being there it will send a healthy message that you are still maintaining the family unity. 

Be Rehearsed 
Both parents should practice and rehearse what they'll say. It shouldn't last longer than 45 seconds. 

1. Tell them the reasoning: "Mom and dad have been unhappy and we're sad being with each other. Living in separate places is best for the family right now."
2. Emphasize time sharing: "Even though we will be in separate places, you will get to spend a lot of time with both of us." Don't give further details, just assure them they'll see both of you. 
3. Convey how sorry you are: "We feel terrible and we have tried everything we can. These are all of our mistakes and they have nothing to do with you." Assure them they are the best kids in the world. 

Listen
Some kids will cry, some will yell, some will be silent. It's not just reassuring, but really understanding what their concerns are. If they say, "I'm feeling really sad," you say, "I understand you are feeling really sad and scared that you'll never see dad, but we are trying really hard to work on that right now." 

Always work to understand what the child is feeling before you give advice. Say I understand and then stop. Let them remark or respond. Let them lighten their load – instead of "oh come on you'll see dad tomorrow" which is telling them essentially that you don't understand, give children the opportunity to have feelings heard and not be judged. 

Have a tentative plan 
Have a sense of the time sharing schedule: "I'm moving x distance away and you'll see me then." This will help to quell fears about access to each parent. 

Tell children when they are together 
All children should be told at the same time; this will further create a sense of family unity. It's mildly different when you have children of different ages. The caveat being one child would have a great impression on another, e.g. younger children often assume the feelings of the older child. With older children who may want more input. For example, they might want to participate in arranging the time sharing schedule. 

Limit details 
I caution parents from talking about what went wrong and bad mouthing under the guise of honesty. To criticize a child's parent is to criticize that child's DNA. Most of the time there is acrimony, but you say "we made tremendous mistakes". You might even say you tried counseling (if it's true), but refrain from sharing details, this could make the child angry. When both parents take the fall, the child has to forgive both. If one parent is to blame, then that child could carry that anger toward that parent for a long time. 

Familiarity is key 
Agree with your ex to make both homes as similar and familiar as possible. For a child, it's very hard to go from one house to another. So keeping bedtime, homework and reading schedules similar is beneficial. And don't get in the way of each other's parenting. Let the other parent develop a disciplinary relationship with the child. 

Take the high road 
Children shouldn't have to feel like they are being disloyal to either parent. They should feel like they can love both parents without feeling guilty. You should reassure them that they should feel like they can have a great time with their dad or mom when they are with them. 

Know when therapy might be appropriate 
Healing comes from a loving connection. If you take your child to a therapist they're not doing much else to understand your child, they are just providing them a forum to work through their feelings. We feel so much better when we have conversations because we come to an understanding. Nobody helps more than the parent. That said, children are brought to professionals when issues get in the way of their basic functioning. It's typical for a child of divorce to dip in grades. Separation and divorce bring a lot of stress and a lot of new things. When a parent feels their child is not the same kid as they once knew, which can happen pretty quickly, it's better to have them connect with someone. A counselor can give a child a safe atmosphere where the child can share their feelings and then the parents can be brought into the conversation. 

Remember, the idea is that you're trying to promise that things will somehow be better for them once the separation occurs. It's already unfair for the child, but it's more unfair if it doesn't get any better and you keep fighting. 

For more advice, go to the Love section. 

M. GARY NEUMAN is a licensed psychotherapist and rabbi and the author of the In Good Times & Bad. He is a frequent guest on Oprah and has made many appearances on Today, Good Morning America, Dateline, The View, The Early Show, Talk of the Nation on NPR, NBC Nightly News, and CBS Weekend News. He is the creator of the Marriage Turnaround Intensive, an all-day counseling program for couples, and maintains a private practice in Miami Beach, Florida.

 

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