Last updated : Tuesday, January 12, 2010

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How to Introduce Your Kids to Your Girlfriend

Divorce is undoubtedly painful for everyone involved, especially children. That said, the separation is meant to improve the well being of your family in the long-run. As time goes on, this may include the introduction of new people. At what point is it okay to introduce a significant other to your children and how should you do it? We spoke with M. Gary Neuman, rabbi, psychotherapist and creator of the successful "Sandcastles Program". He gave tips on how to make your kids feel comfortable with your new relationship.

When should a child be introduced to a new significant other?
Children should not have a relationship with the significant other until it becomes serious, as they can fall in love with a new person quickly. Furthermore, I ask parents to wait about a year from the separation from your ex before kids are introduced to anyone. You need about a year to give the child time to adjust to the separation, and then more time to be able to develop a healthy relationship with your new significant other.

When the time is right, how should you go about introducing your significant other?
First you should understand that just because you fell in love with this person doesn't mean your child will. In fact, it's counterintuitive to expect they will like this person. You need to be open with your children about your relationship:

1. Emphasize that despite this new relationship, you are still focused on the family of origin: "The reason I want to be with this person has nothing to do with you and our relationship; it's normal for me to want to connect with someone my own age."

2. Give voice to it: Kids might think: "If dad's girlfriend is here, there's less time for me." So on weekends, take time to spend a couple hours with only your kids, and then the rest of the time you can work on how to include your boyfriend or girlfriend into your life with your children.

M. GARY NEUMAN is a licensed psychotherapist and rabbi and the author of the In Good Times & Bad. He is a frequent guest on Oprah and has made many appearances on Today, Good Morning America, Dateline, The View, The Early Show, Talk of the Nation on NPR, NBC Nightly News, and CBS Weekend News. He is the creator of the Marriage Turnaround Intensive, an all-day counseling program for couples, and maintains a private practice in Miami Beach, Florida.

 

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