Last updated : Tuesday, June 23, 2009

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Dealing With Spousal Job Loss

There is no one size fits all prescription for this one. Not all couples are created equal -- financially or otherwise -- so how you cope with your mate's job loss depends on at least two major factors. First of all, how solid is your relationship to begin with? Do you tend to be supportive of each other and feel good about each other's contributions (financial and practical) to your life together -- or is this an area of contention? Next, how does your significant other tend to cope with loss and with life in general? Their reaction to what's happening can give you a roadmap to more productive action. IF you pay attention and think before you say or do. If you become reactive however, you can make it worse for both of you!

One client's husband lost his job early on in the financial industry slashing. While the fact that they'd saved some money helped alleviate the pressure, she also has had continual faith in his abilities and work ethic. So this history of feeling good about his hard work and contribution to their family has allowed her to express appreciation in the past and give generous support during this tough job hunt.

Supportive words and deeds can be tremendously helpful. But remember being supportive to your mate can take on many different forms. Your version of what's supportive may not be what they are looking for! One woman expressed to me, "It really means a lot to me to have my boyfriend tell me that 'Everything'll be alright' and 'I know you can do it'." Her boyfriend on the other hand did not want "constant comments" because he felt they tended to bring his focus back to a distressing situation. He wanted some practical help in the form of resume/ letter editing and a good back rub to relieve muscle tension. He also wanted to be sure that they were on the same page with respect to their budget. So, the bottom line here is -- don't assume that what's helpful to you is helpful to your mate, and try not to feel rejected or take it too personally if they don't want or respond to your version of what's supportive.

Another client of mine has expressed intense frustration since her husband lost his job and has become increasingly anxious and depressed -- staying up late at night and sleeping until late afternoon. They had one big blowout after she came home in the middle of the day to drop off their dry cleaning and found him in his pj's surfing the YouTube. While she felt genuine anger at him for seemingly avoiding what he had to face while she was working extra hours to pay the bills, she also felt intense guilt about her anger toward his behavior.

The combination of alternating anger and guilt is a common combination in such situations. Holding in your frustration and then blowing up and saying some really hurtful things in the heat of the moment can have really detrimental effects on the relationship. In a case like this it would be important to try and be open before anger mounts to such intensity. It's important to express empathy but also fair to ask that your mate is doing something productive -- be that a vigorous job search or even seeking out therapy if they are growing increasingly hopeless.

Another fairly common pitfall is failing into the "super-caretaker" role. Another client of mine shares how exhausted she was after working and doing all the household chores in order to cater to her frustrated husband. When we explored this a bit more, it became clear that she also was not willing to relinquish some perfectionistic standard when it came to laundry and housecleaning. With encouragement, this particular client was able to "give" more household jobs to her husband. While the whites have not been as white since, she realizes the relief that comes with being able to count on him to do her laundry, and the increase in respect and appreciation for his domestic contribution to their life together.

While there appear to be a number of influential factors, knowing how to be effectively supportive and taking the time to think before you react in anger or frustration can be immensely helpful strategies.

Disclaimer: The contents of this article are provided for general information proposes only and are not intended as a substitute or alternative for professional, medical,psychological, or any type of therapeutic or other advice or opinion. Only a doctor or therapist who has examined you can give you medical or psychological advice. Always seek the expert advice of your physician, psychologist, medical or psychological specialist or other health care professional.

In addition to the "Disclaimer" set forth above, Dr. Grashow makes no representations or warranties and expressly disclaims any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within this article. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.

 

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