8 Steps Toward Repairing Your Marriage After an Affair
Can an affair in your marriage make it stronger in the end?
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Few things harm a relationship more than an affair. Whether the affair is emotional, a 'one night stand,' long term or a cyber-affair, the betrayal delivers a life altering blow. Will the injury to the relationship prove fatal?
In my experience as a relationship counselor, there are some essential steps a couple must take for there to be any hope that the relationship can survive an affair. If done wisely, there is hope the relationship will come through the ordeal stronger than before. Here are eight steps that can help save your marriage.
1. End the affair immediately. Kindly, completely, utterly. This has to come first if you are serious about reconciliation. 'Friendship' is not an option.
2. Re-commit to the relationship. If either of you aren't sure about staying together then, for God's sake, say so! Confusion is OK but just don't let that be an excuse to avoid talking about the reality.
3. Full disclosure. If your partner wants to know the details, you owe them the details. Help them understand the reality because believe me, as bad as it is, it isn't as bad as what your partner is imagining. Sometimes, they really don't want to know. Let them tell you that directly. Ingorance may be bliss but don't assume they don't want to know.
4. Stop running and face the pain. Avoiding pain is often what led to the affair in the first place. Facing it is terrifying but necessary. Just shut up and listen; take courage and talk.
5. Walk on hot coals. Express your remorse and sincerely say that you will do whatever it takes to re-focus on the relationship. Then do it.
6. Take responsibility. Resist assigning blame. The affair is a symptom of something very wrong in the relationship. Both parties need to dig deep to discover and accept their share of responsibility. If the real issues aren't addressed, nothing has changed.
7. Forgiveness. Everyone involved needs forgiveness in order to heal. Both parties are injured, both parties are grieving, both parties need forgiveness.
8. Time. This is essential to fully healing. Once injured, trust is like those tiny flowers that manage to live in the harsh environment of the tundra. Protect it, cherish it and with time something that once appeared so vulnerable will turn into something beautiful and incredibly strong with deep, sturdy roots.
A good relationship counselor can help you negotiate these steps and anything else that may be unique to your particular situation. This is just the beginning.
For more from YourTango:
5 Steps to Break Up With Your Ex
How Does an Affair Start
Why Marriage Doesn't Always End in Happily Ever After
More from iMag:
Why Men Cheat
Dr. Phil on How to Handle Cheating Suspicions
6 Tips for the Broken-Hearted
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