Last updated : Thursday, January 7, 2010

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3 Mistakes Couples Make In a Bad Economy

With the national unemployment rate at an astronomical 10 percent as of November 2009, more and more families are being forced to make major adjustments because one or both spouses have lost a job. While it's difficult to make practical changes like tightening the grocery budget or forgoing a family vacation, often harder and more overlooked are the emotional and psychological problems that can arise for couples from such lifestyle changes. We spoke to M. Gary Neuman, rabbi and author of In Good Times & Bad, who gave advice on how to work through financial hardships with your spouse.

Why is money playing a negative role in marriages now more than ever?
In this economy, more men than women have lost jobs and men, by nature, largely define their worth by their job and the money the make. This adds a particular sense of sadness and failure to the situation. Because society tends to look at men as the primary wage earners, when a man loses his job he has the tendency to get stuck in that and get depressed. Wives in turn, want them to help out at home, and when they aren't doing that, conflict arises.

So it's often less about the inability to spend as much as it is a deeper psychological issue?
Yes and no. Attitudes about money come from childhood. When money is tight and we can't do what we want, this impedes our sense of control. People tend not to talk about it because it's a hard subject to navigate. And when money is tight, people blame each other: "You don't make enough, you spend too much, you can't save money…" So in that sense, couples will fight about spending. But really, this loss of control comes from down deep; it's more than "I can't buy this or that" – it's about identifying what money means to you on an emotional level.

Scenario 1: You're a guy and you want spend money on an item and your wife says "no, you can't buy that". You are doing more than arguing over whether or not you can spend the money; you might end up resenting her for reigning in your control.

Scenario 2: You're a woman and you want to feel nurtured. Maybe when you were a child your parents bought you things, so in turn "things" could be a representation of love. If he cuts back on spending on you or is made to feel guilty about how little he can spend, it can cause problems. But it's not really about your getting things, it translates to a lack of nurturing.

So what are the three biggest mistakes you can make when tackling financial issues?
1. Blame.
2. Not approaching your spouse, which can lead to resentment.
3. Hiding what you've done with finances. It's a form of lying and people become distrustful. 

So how should you approach the situation?
Conversations should begin with a sense of love. When issues start to arise, you need to come at it with a team approach. I call this "the moment" when you both decide to tackle the issues, to turn the lights on metaphorically and see what's going on. Too many couples who are having troubles realize they had once walked away from a healing moment and didn't confront the issues. So even if you attack the problem and come up without any answers, at least you're looking at it creatively and looking at the situation together.

In what ways can you gain control together?
Have business meetings once a week for a maximum of 30 minutes. I say 30 minutes because there should be a finite time limit to avoid arguments. But you should have a conversation about what's going in and what's going out. Be aware as partners. You can make decisions together. That said, you don't have to give the go ahead on every decision that is made, as long as you both have an understanding about what types of decisions are being made. Look at your strengths. You can sit down and say, "okay, you know the markets so you make the investments here," and "you are better at budgeting so you take care of that." At least it's all out in the open. Even when things are bad, look to see how bad they are. Make changes and have creative thoughts. The worst thing to do is to become insular. Take the "divide and conquer" approach and get outside yourself.

What can you do to keep your relationship strong despite financial woes?
Give yourself permission to have fun. When money is tight there is a tendency to say, "we can't go out on a date and we can't do anything," which is a recipe for disaster. Putting fun on hold "until…" is a terrible idea. You always have to focus on love. And you don't have to spend a lot, either. You can go get coffee and be committed to have a pleasant time together and reignite that love. Think about your marriage and focus on the love that brought you together. When you are fighting about finances, it's not like you have fallen out of love or there has been infidelity, it's just that you've become disconnected. You need to bridge that gap. There has to be an understanding on both people's parts about where the other is coming from. You have to make sure neither feels like a failure.

When making lifestyle adjustments, how much should children know?
With kids, people tend to avoid talking about issues, but children hear and sense everything that's going on. And a lack of information leads to an over active imagination. You should sit down with your kids and let them know there have been some changes. Ask them what's important to them. Ask them how they can help, and how they can put a smile on someone's face. This is an opportunity to teach your children that it's not things, but love that makes people happy. Experiences are great because you're with the people you love having fun.

M. GARY NEUMAN is a licensed psychotherapist and rabbi and the author of the In Good Times & Bad. He is a frequent guest on Oprah and has made many appearances on Today, Good Morning America, Dateline, The View, The Early Show, Talk of the Nation on NPR, NBC Nightly News, and CBS Weekend News. He is the creator of the Marriage Turnaround Intensive, an all-day counseling program for couples, and maintains a private practice in Miami Beach, Florida.

 

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