Published March 25, 2013
When your marriage starts to feel more like a friendship than a love match, it can seem difficult to change course.
The good news is, devoting just a few minutes each day to charge up the sexual atmosphere in your marriage can go a long way. These simple, daily five-minute reminders of your attraction, from the new book Save Your Marriage in Five Minutes a Day by Bonnie Jacobsen, are a powerful way to turn up the heat. Try one tonight!
Catch his eye over the dinner table and hold his gaze. Your meaningful glance will relay the message that more is on your mind than passing the green beans. That first spark you felt with your mate was probably through eye contact, and your shared gaze remains powerful.
Create a private signal that means: "I want you." An ear tug or wink will mean nothing to those around you, but you'll both know what the other is thinking. Covert foreplay in public often adds to the sensual vibe you are seeking.
Share an exciting visual, be it a sexy movie scene or a salacious perfume ad with your partner. Is there a particular sensual image or scene that moves you whenever you see it? The next time it's on, call your partner into the room, and feel the charged atmosphere that appears.
Remind yourself that your spouse is the only person on earth at this moment that can offer you sex. Your days are likely filled with responsibilities and compromises that are decidedly unsexy and sometimes, it can seem like you're running on parallel tracks with the person you married, just trying to get it all done. But, if you take a few minutes to think about your partner as your chosen lover, you'll feel more connected. This is foreplay's foreplay, getting yourself primed to reach out to your partner.
Devise a language that only the two of you speak. Name your body parts so you can publicly say how you are looking forward to spending time with "Jorge" later on. This may seem silly, but sharing a laugh is actually a great way to engage in continuing foreplay. The connection you feel when you giggle together is one step away from the togetherness you share when you are intimate. In fact, laughing and togetherness often occur simultaneously.
Predictability is not sexy. Surprise your spouse by introducing an arousing vibe into otherwise mundane moments. Give him a long, unbroken kiss while stopped at a red light. Sometimes it's the surprise that counts!
Be open about what you enjoy about your current sex life--and what you feel may be missing. A brief conversation conducted with humor and love will give each of you the opportunity to honestly propose new ideas. If you're too shy to talk about sex directly, give your spouse hints as to what you desire the next time you make love. A well-timed moan or touch may speak volumes, depending on the other person's capacity to read between the lines.
How to Want Sex Again
Hop into your mate's morning shower for a few sensual minutes. The combination of warm water and cleansing lubricants could be irresistible. And, don't underestimate the power of shaking up your routine. The shower is just one variation on the bed that can heat up your standard repertoire. Consider the spare room, kitchen, or den, too.
Join your spouse in bed in just a thong or a T-shirt with nothing underneath. No need for frilly nightwear, which many people find too over the top. You may be more comfortable in subtle, cozy cotton than itchy lace. Sometimes sexy is simple. On the other hand, if dressing up turns you or your partner on, by all means go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Commit to going to bed at the same time (and keep the television off!). Opportunity is key to keeping sex alive in your marriage. If one of you is more of a night owl than the other, that person can always go back to her television, book, or computer after you've made love.
From the forthcoming book Save Your Marriage in Five Minutes a Day, by Dr. Bonnie Jacobson with Alexia Paul. All rights reserved.