Published December 24, 2012
OK, moment of truth: You know all the advice out there for having hot, amazing sex?
Well, for any of it to work, you need to first start with a burning desire to do the deed. But the biggest complaint I get from the smart, successful women I counsel is they're not always up for it. Daily stresses and distractions can really zap your sex drive. Read on for the solutions I've found that really work.
The problem: Stress overload
Sex-drive reset: So you've got so many things going on (work, kids, book club) that sex is last on your list? The solution is simply to slow down, so you can tune into your sensual side.
Carving out 10 minutes at night to relax in the bath is far more likely to get you in the mood than doing chores. The irony is that sex is a natural stress reliever, so the more you have, the less frazzled you'll feel.
The problem: Feeling less than hot
Sex-drive reset: Of course, it's hard to look forward to sex if you're worried about your man seeing that dimple or two on your thighs. But, trust me, most men are just thrilled to be naked with you.
Still, if you're uncomfortable, sex is sure to be, too. So how do you overcome your insecurity? Think about what you love about your body—the way it feels, moves or your favorite body part. If you're truly out of shape, commit to a workout program, which will improve your health and energy level. A sexy nightgown that fits just right can be a real confidence booster, too; so go ahead and treat yourself.
The problem: Bottled-up resentment
Sex-drive reset: He left his bureau drawers open again? Even seemingly little issues in a relationship can build resentment over time, causing desire to take a nosedive. Ask yourself, "Am I not in the mood because I'm mad at him?" If the answer is yes, get it out in the open. Being up front really helps build a strong bond, which is the basis of a healthy sex life.
Another safeguard against resentment: regularly show each other you care through affectionate touching that doesn't lead to sex, talking about your shared goals, and making time for date nights.
The problem: Those nightcaps
Sex-drive reset: While one glass of wine may decrease your inhibitions and up your sex drive, more than that can dampen your sexual response. So limit yourself to one drink or less a night.
The problem: Zero energy
Sex-drive reset: If you're so pooped that you drift off as soon as your head hits the pillow, you may just need advance planning. As unromantic as it sounds, schedule one or two days a week when you'll have sex, and plan them to be low-key so that you won't be too exhausted. (If you're having sex on Tuesday, say, grab takeout that night.)
Also, don't wait until after you've washed the dishes and watched two hours of television to start foreplay. Get right to it as soon as dinner's done and/or the kids are in bed. Just dim the lights, put on some music, and go for it.