Healthy Mama

How to find time for intimacy after having a baby

As a new mom, you’re finally feeling ready to be intimate with your spouse again, but trying to carve out time can be tricky.  Your baby requires your constant attention, your list of things to do is a mile long, and if and when the baby finally goes to sleep for the night, you’re too exhausted anyway.

And as a mom, it’s difficult to feel that you’re separate from your baby, which makes it hard to feel sensual and sexual with your partner. “It can easily consume you,” said Heidi Raykeil, author of Confessions of A Naughty Mommy: How I Found My Lost Libido, and co-author of Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parent’s Guide To Getting It On Again.

Yet making the time to have sex is vital for a healthy relationship. “When you’re not connecting physically, it’s really hard over time to feel connected emotionally,” said Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido and founder of “Couples will grow apart if there isn’t touch in the relationship because touch really is the tie that binds.”

Ready to make time? Here are four ways to fit it in:

1. Make a schedule
Unless you make a plan to have sex, it won’t happen. So rather than waiting until you’re both in the mood, make an appointment with each other and put everything else on the backburner. Yet if you think scheduling sex right alongside grocery shopping takes all the romance and excitement out of it, Weiner-Davis suggests planned spontaneity:  “You can plan a time but that doesn’t mean what you do behind closed doors can’t be spontaneous and creative.”

2. Prioritize and make time
Putting sex on your to-do list can help you free up time during the day, so leave the laundry for tomorrow or order your groceries online. “Do the things that you need to do for yourself, with your family, and with your choices that work to give you more time,” said Raykeil. If you’re exhausted, nap when your baby naps or ask your husband to help with more of the housework.

“Chore-play is foreplay,” she said. Or if one or both of you can telecommute, even if it’s one day a week, you’ll have more time and you can even sneak off together.

3. Take Sex Off the Table
Intercourse doesn’t always have to be the ultimate goal. Take a shower together or give each other massages.  You can also create foreplay outside of the bedroom by finding ways to connect like going for walks (even with baby in tow), talking about sex, and having date night. “It makes you feel closer, more connected and obviously more likely to want to be physical as a result,” Weiner-Davis said.

4. Be Creative
“Stop trying to have sex at night,” according to Raykeil, who said by that time, sex becomes another chore. Instead, find time while your baby naps, on weekends, or set your alarm an hour earlier in the mornings.

Julie Revelant is a freelance writer specializing in parenting, health, and women's issues and a mom. Learn more about Julie at

Julie Revelant is a health journalist and a consultant who provides content marketing and copywriting services for the healthcare industry. She's also a mom of two. Learn more about Julie at