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Don't Bring Her to the Gym

bodybuilding

 (diego cervo)

I’ll admit that there may be some good reasons to bring along your significant other when you hit the gym, like providing her with the opportunity to do something about the hail damage on her ass, but in my opinion, the costs outweigh any potential benefits.

Convincing her to work out is great, but send her to pilates or Curves instead.

The gym is my version of church, and I’m a deeply religious man in this sense. I don’t want my wife interfering with my prayer sessions, and neither should you.

Sure, you may have a woman for whom these reasons don’t apply. If so, bully for you. Feel free to ignore this advice. If you do take her with you, please remember, no PDA.

For the rest of you, here are six damn good reasons why working out should either be done solo or with a friend who also stands up to pee.

You Can’t Check Out the Babes
Let’s get one thing straight: Ogling women and wandering around drooling with a visible hard-on while at the gym is seriously not cool. They don’t like that. Conversely, I think the occasional subtle glance using the mirror is perfectly acceptable.

If your girl is with you, you can kiss that goodbye.

Seriously, no matter how discreet you think you are, you’ll get busted. And you’ll pay.

She’ll Check Out the Babes and Ask How She Compares
And there is no good answer.

You can be honest, which is a big mistake, or you can get down on your knees and promise on your own soul that she is the most beautiful creature in all the gym -- nay, the world!

And she’ll still think you’re full of crap.

Going to an environment where there are lots of sweaty hard bodies in spandex for her to compare herself to could make her anxious, and this won’t be good for her mood. And, again, you’ll suffer for it.

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She’ll Distract You
I’m talking about weightlifting here. If she doesn’t know how to lift, she’ll want you to train her, which seriously takes away from your workout. If you want to go to the gym together, and you lift while she takes a class or jumps on an aerobic machine, then that’s fine.

But even if she is capable at lifting, chances are she isn’t going to be as strong as you or want to follow a similar program.

When working out with a friend, I go with a guy of similar abilities so that we can push each other more effectively. No offense to women, but most of them just aren’t as physically strong as men are.
That’s OK, though, because they make up for it in other ways.

She Won’t Listen to You Anyway
Say you do take her to the gym and decide to train her -- you're going to have to give her instructions.
Let me ask you something: Does your woman like it when you instruct her on how to do something?
I thought so.
It’s a fight waiting to happen. She won’t respect your authority to train her because she’s not actually paying you to do it.

Training your girl on how to lift weights is an emotionally tricky thing with not much upside.
The best way for your girl to get the training she needs is from a certified personal trainer, preferably one that has a degree in kinesiology and a high-level certification (and not just a weekend certification). If this trainer is male, it also helps if he’s ugly. Better yet, she should have a female trainer.

You’ll See Her at Her Worst
Sure, lots of women show up to the gym looking great, but if they’re not some hoop-earring-clad girl just doing the 15-minute-elliptical-yoga-mat-prance-and-stretch combo and instead are actually working hard, then things could get ugly.
And possibly smelly.
Seriously, do you really want to see her pit stains and smell her B.O.?
‘Nuff said.

You Need Guy Time
I talked about the gym being my church, and I meant it.

Admittedly, some of these points don’t apply to me. My wife and I’ve been together over two decades, and I’m allowed to look at other women, and she doesn’t care how she compares to them because she owns every room she walks into. As for the disheveled look after a hard workout, I’ve watched her give birth. Twice.

That stuff about her not listening to me is totally applicable to my relationship, though, and so is this gem of advice:

The place is my home away from home. I live with my wife and kids, and they’re awesome and I love them, but sometimes I just need to get the hell away from everybody. The gym is where family doesn’t intrude, and vice versa. It’s my separate oasis where I go to recharge.

I have a wife who I love with all my heart. But the gym is my mistress, and I love her, too.

And never the twain shall meet.

Fortunately for me, my wife doesn’t just lounge around. She’s got an internationally-recognized black belt in karate, and could quite likely kick my ass.

I hope she doesn’t read this article.