Published August 16, 2010
OK guys, stop all your whining and complaining for a second and listen up: If you want more sex from your wives, you have to grow up and recognize that people change, relationships change, and your sex life doesn’t stay the same.
As a sexologist, relationship expert, and contributor to Good in Bed, the one question I’m constantly asked is: "How can I get my wife to have more sex with me?" Well, I also happen to be a wife and mother of two little ones, so I’m going to give it to you straight. Here’s my advice for not screwing it up and actually getting some tonight:
1. Snuggle, Don’t Grope. You’re in the mood, so you reach out and grab us—our breasts, butt, or genitals, that is. Guys, believe me when I tell you that this is the biggest sin you can commit when trying to seduce a woman. It will not send us into an orgasmic swoon. (And, hey, if it does, you don’t need my advice, right?). Neither will groping us in the kitchen while we’re unloading the dishwasher.
These inept moves don’t get us all hot and bothered — they just upset us. Try hugging or kissing. Hold and squeeze our hand. Unload the dishwasher yourself. Women want to feel connected to our partners—in ways that don’t always involve sex.
As guys, you see something sexy and suddenly you’re in the mood for sex, ready to go. You pick up the mail, there’s a Victoria Secret catalog in the box, and next thing we know you’re sniffing in our direction like a dog expecting a treat. But women don’t work like that. We may see something that’s sexy, and that something may even be you, but we don’t suddenly want to have sex. That’s where men and women differ: You have to actually put us in the mood. You have to make us feel sexy and make us want to be sexual.
Here’s a tip: Did you know that studies show that if you hug for partner for 30 seconds it raises her oxytocin levels? Oxytocin is a hormone that makes us feel loving and connected and helps put us in the mood. So start with a hug.
2. Don’t Treat Us Like Porn Stars. Just because you can pay to watch a chick with fake boobs and a fake tan fawn all over some hairy, grunting guy doesn’t mean you can treat us like some 30-second money shot. Women crave seduction. We crave pleasure. We want sex to be, well, sexy, not like some third-rate porn production. I’m not saying you won’t get those little surprise treats now and then—but you’ve got to work for them. Luckily, the brain is our biggest sex organ, and most women have fantasy lives that leave your porn sites in the dust. You know one of the reasons why women aren’t more into porn? Because almost all of it is created by men and for men, who don’t have a clue about what really turns a woman on. Wanna know what does turn us on? Ask us, engage us. Which brings me to…
2. Do Unto Others. Want hot sex? You have to provide us with the kind of sex we want to have. Simply put, you’ve got to give as good as you get. Do I need to spell it out for you? If you want us to use our mouths, you have to use yours, too! And if you do it first? All the better. Most women orgasm best from clitoral stimulation.
4. Give Us Space. It seems counterintuitive, but letting your partner have some time to herself can help her recharge. Offer to watch the kids for a few hours so she can meet a friend for coffee, take a book to the beach, or relax in a bubble bath. This "time off" lets her wind down so that later she’ll be ready to heat up. And by the way, watching your kids isn’t "babysitting". They’re your children—play with them like you mean it. Be a dad, not a bachelor. Remember, a lot of us find nothing sexier than a dad who’s into his kids.
5. Talk—and Listen. I know, I know: Many of you would probably rather clean that toilet than be forced to "communicate." But I’m not asking for an hours-long heart-to-heart here. Spending 20 minutes connecting with your partner and listening to her talk can help her feel appreciated. Avoid stressful topics like your kids, work, and home and stick to larger issues like current events and the world around you. Respond with full sentences, not grunts. If you can remember and repeat something she said 12 hours later, she’ll be impressed—and you’ll be one step closer to sex.
Want more tips? I’ll be answering your questions all week at Good in Bed.
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. is a sexologist and sexuality educator based in Manhattan. Logan frequently appears on television and contributes to many publications. She is also the author of "Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be." For more information visit www.loganlevkoff.com or follow her on Twitter: @LoganLevkoff.